Feb
14

Giving Shoes Back on Valentine’s Day

Long story short, an ex that I had dated for 3 years and followed to college cheated on me with someone I thought was a friend. She had been living with me at the time and came to collect her stuff. She did not collect her shoes and on Valentines Day she called to ask for them back in a VERY rude manor saying she had to wear them on a date with my ex-friend…needless to say I did what any reasonable man would do:

First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

Then I Chose The Appropriate Tool...

Then I Took Out Some Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Going To Work With Tool #1

Going To Work With Tool #1

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Inspecting My Handywork

Inspecting My Handiwork

Don’t forget to comment and show me some love on Valentine’s Day!

The Finished Product

The Finished Product


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Feb
12

John’s New Porsche Transforms into a Ferrari

Most of you will remember our man-bag carying, Italian friend John from a previous post; here is another of my wonderful experiences working with him. One day John called me asking for a PORSCHE but with a tiptronic (automatic) transmission I told him only women drive tiptronic Porsches and that he was going to skyrocket his gayness even further by having a tiptronic Porsche in addition to his collection of man-bags. With that combination in place, his level of gayness would reach fruitcake Starbucks mocha vente latte drinking with your pinky held out status. This of course sent him into a rage and he threatened to come down to the dealership and beat my Jew ass so that I would be drinking from a straw for the next year.

John tried to defend his choice of transmission by saying that it was “for his wife”. I then told him to go fuck himself because Read the rest »


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Feb
08

Road Head Practice

When I was 16 I got my license and lost my virginity. To give you an idea of how truly epic me turning 16 actually was, I have to share with you a bit of my background. I grew up in a semi-large yet suburban city (if you can even call Broward county Florida suburban). My high school had around 4,500 kids in it. At 16, I was just about to enter the 9th grade as I was held back once in kindergarten and again when moving to FL from another state. So there I was, the only 16 year old in the 9th grade; the only 9th grader with a mother fucking car. Pussy was flying at me left and right.

That being said, I was de-virginized on the same day I got my car. Kind of Ironic since now at 23 I’m using Bentleys, Ferraris, and Lambos to get laid! Anyway, the story of me losing my virginity is yet another extremely funny and odd tale but I will save that for another day. This story pertains to road head! I was with this wonderful girl named Caroline. She was almost 5′ tall, had a nice set of tits, and an amazingly large ass. To this day she still has an amazing ass and an even better set of fake DD tits with a nipple ring to boot! She was basically my main girl for a while; she loved other girls so it worked out perfectly.

One day she asked if I had ever heard of road head; at that point in my life I had not heard of it, but I heard the word “head” and was very intrigued. When I was told what it entailed I decided that it was a theoretically perfect idea that I probably shouldn’t execute. At that point of my life I had already wrecked two cars that I personally owned and flipped a rented Range Rover end over end trying to go off-roading (yet another wonderful tale I will tell later). Given the circumstances, I figured it would be wise not to get behind the wheel with my cock out and Caroline between my legs trying to get every last ounce of her favorite man juice out of what we at the time called “BOB” (today we call it the JewC).

Depressed that I couldn’t partake in this new concept of Road Head, a light bulb went off in my head, something I recognize today as being a sign of a horrible Idea. I thought what if I could PRACTICE road head. I called Caroline and told her about my concept Read the rest »


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Feb
04

A Lime Green Lambo and A Red Lazer Dot

Several years ago we had this guy who bought two cars a month from our dealership. Two cars per month, every month and sent them right over to the rim shop to get rims and sound systems. Then a month later, he traded the cars in for two other ones. Each time it was cold hard C A S H!

He was a big big Italian fellow who happened to carry a LV or Gucci man-bag around. In the bag was always a huge wad of cash and a gun. Well, I was the only person brave or stupid enough to constantly make fun of him about his man-bag. I made fun of him so much that he grew to like me and ultimately decided to his buy cars from me instead of the other sales guy.

Well, let me just tell you how hard (let’s call him John) John was to deal with. If he wanted a car, you had better be sure you had it, and if you didn’t, you better get it before he shows up or a scream-fest Read the rest »


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Feb
02

Slap A Hoe Tribe — Girls That Like To Be Slapped

Sex,Women | Monday February 2 2009 12:13 am | Comments (5) Tags: , , , ,

One day I was bored out of my mind, a day not unlike today, so I started reading MySpace bulletins. I came across a girl who looked just like my type: stripper highlights, fake tits, and even a few tattoos! I read her bulletin, made a reply, and we sparked up a conversation. I was sad to hear that although her profile said Florida, she had moved to New Jersey a week before. I figured she would be in Florida soon enough so I should continue making conversation. Sure enough, like all my conversations with women, the subject turned to sex quicker then you can actually say the word sex.

So in my talks with this wonderful girl (who we will call Rachel), I learned that she liked to be slapped in the face during sex. Not just regular light slaps, the kind of slaps that you wouldn’t even use if you were a pimp trying to collect money from your hoes. This girl liked it hard and hadn’t found a guy who could give it to her hard enough. That being said, I have never slapped in the face. Not that it wouldn’t be fun, I just would rather not hit a girl in the face and then have her turn around and claim that I beat her up later on down the road. I also honestly never thought of it. Well Rachel now had a new idea in my head, and as I have always said new ideas in my head are more often than not horrible ideas in which I think are absolutely genius until it’s too late.

After maybe a week or two of talking to Rachel, she told me she would be coming to Florida soon so I better practice her slapping fetish. After asking a few girls I could not find anyone to practice on and I was beginning to run out of options until one day a girl, who we will call Daphne, walked up to me in a club. She said you’re Rachel’s friend Lizard, aren’t you. I of course said yes I am and we got to chatting. A drink here, a dance there, and Daphne got all hot and bothered. She asked if I wanted to go back to her place Read the rest »


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Jan
30

No Glass (or Dogs) By The Pool

Cars,Sex,Women | Friday January 30 2009 9:39 am | Comments (4) Tags: , , , , , ,
For those of you that don’t know, I live on the intercoastal (basically the ocean). I have a dock in my back yard and about 30 steps further, there is a beautiful community pool. I like to take my laptop out there, throw the air card in, and do a little work poolside / oceanside with a Corona. Glass bottles are not allowed at the pool but who cares right? I like to bring my little dog Vinny to the pool as well even though dogs are not supposed to be roaming around the pool. I have never had a problem for a whole year of living here until today, but have had a problem following the rules for most of my life.
Let’s backtrack just a bit: about a week ago, I was walking my dog Vinny and out came this amazingly good looking girl with a little tea cup dog just like mine. Obviously a Jewish girl, which immediately gets my dick hard as I know all Jewish girls are crazy in bed and love to give head. She then tells me she went to the same university I went to and when I said my name she instantly knew who I was because of all the newspaper articles reporting my crazy antics and the many parties I had.That was the first IN! She then asked where I lived and when I pointed to the house with a different exotic car in the driveway everyday she said “Ohhhhhhhh” that was my second IN. She pointed to her house and I mentioned that I had met her boyfriend a while back and it was weird that I had never met her. She was quick to point out that he is a recent EX and at that instant I knew she was mine. I made some small chit chat and mentioned that I was recently broken up with just like her (a total lie) and then invited her into my home for a drink.
A few drinks later and you could tell this girl who we will call Jen (honestly I don’t even remember her name so this isn’t a fake name so much as it is a made-up  name) was in desperate need of some cock. She was depressed about her ex and talking up a storm about the old days of our university. She even mentioned the fact that some of her friends had sex with me and had nothing but good things to say. I didn’t remember the friends but I played along like I did. After a  short stint of drinking and reminiscing, I decided it was time to move in for the kill. The lizard came out and grabbed her by the waist, whispered a few sweet things into her ear, and then gave her a nice soft kiss. That is all it really takes to unleash the sexual beast out of a depressed, sex-starved Jewish girl! Before I knew it, we had covered all three Read the rest »

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Jan
28

LV Lizard and PimpC Party for the First Time

Party Like a Rapper

One of my first pimp clients (before I actually knew pimps existed outside of the movies) was PimpC. Now Pimp C wasn’t the first pimp I saw in my store, but he was the first one that was my client. Let me tell you something, the weed smell on PimpC was the strongest smell you have ever smelled in your life. It was a constant smell; as he treated weed like it was legal. He’d just walked up and down the street puffin on the strongest weed that god let grow! PimpC had lived in Cali but had a nice penthouse in South Beach so PimpC got his weed FedExed to him from Cali. I kid you not, one time he cracked open the lid on a  tightly packaged box while in my office and and the smell stunk up my office for over a week. The shit was that strong!

Anyway, here’s the story about my first night out with PIMPC!
PimpC invited me out to go to very well known, high-end, hard to get into club with him. I of course didn’t know how exactly a pimp rolled and was a massive idiot who brought my girlfriend (at the time) with! Well we pull up and valet at his condo and ride the elevator to the top. Before we even got to the top floor you could start smelling the weed! The second the elevator doors opened, the weed smell and smoke rushed in making both me and my girlfriend cough (yes, that much weed) There was no furniture in the whole condo except for one couch. There were three women sitting on the couch in literally NOTHING; I mean butt naked! I immediately cursed myself for Read the rest »


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Jan
27

Welcome to LV Lizard!

Administrative | Tuesday January 27 2009 11:13 am | Comments (1)

Hi there and welcome to LV Lizard. Before you begin reading through my stories of sex, porn stars, pimps, car sales, and of course general drunken debauchery, I would recommend that you take a few minutes to read the two links below to better understand who I am, where I’m coming from and why they call me the LV Lizard.

LV Lizard Biography

Why They Call Me The LV Lizard


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Jan
27

Crackers For Breakfast

Ex-Girlfriend,Religion,Women | Tuesday January 27 2009 2:20 am | Comments (2) Tags: , , ,

I went on vacation to Louisiana with a female friend of mine. I did it for a few reasons; one of which was to party my ass off on Bourbon street and the other was because she thought we were in a relationship and wanted me to meet her parents. She was good in bed so i had no choice. I knew she was a goodie two-shoes when we first got together, but I molded her into a perfect freak in the sheets. She warned me that her family was very religious but I didn’t think anything of it. We partied throughout the weekend and on Sunday morning I was awoken at 7:30am for church (after going to bed at 6). I begged and pleaded for sleep to no avail. I stated out of respect for my own religion (Judaism) that I shouldn’t have to go to church. She insisted that if I didn’t go it would crush her and disrespect her family, so I decided I’d go.

At the time I was into wild, Versace type shirts so I picked the least wild one, a zebra print silk shirt that screamed look at me and a pair of dress pants. I put on a tie that didn’t even come close to matching, but I was told I needed to wear one. I looked ridiculous, I was massively hung over, tired, and starving. The only thing that kept me awake Read the rest »


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