Apr
06

My Trip to the Polls Last November

Cars,Illegal Acts | Monday April 6 2009 11:43 pm | Comments (0) Tags: , , , , , ,

Those who know me know that I’m a very impatient person and that having to wait in line drives me nuts. It is the main reason why I refuse to go food shopping: people are way to slow with their carts and then you wait in line and the person at the register moves your products at the speed of a 400 lb turtle. Afterward you get to the bagger who cant seem to put the products in the bag correctly or promptly due to being mentally challenged! Not that there is anything wrong with that, I am all for the fact that Publix employs challenged people, however I’m just too impatient to deal with it, so I make others food shop for me. Anyway, before I go off on a rant of being impatient how about you all just take my word for it.

Here’s a play-by-play of my experience trying to vote on election day: I get to the polls at around 9:00 a.m., no doubt still drunk from the night before, or at the very least with a massive hang over and back ache from sleeping on a lazy boy chair with whatever her name was. The line was long to say the least. There was no way in hell I was waiting in it, but there was also no way in hell I was going to come all the way back out to vote later. I was clearly in the wrong place and very obviously stood out like a cotton ball in a sea of color. The voters were clearly not voting for my choice and the line was way too long, so I devised a plan to skip the line.

As I looked around, I saw that the poll workers all had on ID badges attached to lanyards around their necks. I thought PERFECT, my CCW permit is attached to a lanyard in my car and it looks like a government ID!  For those out of the loop, a CCW is a concealed weapons permit. Yes, the lizard carries a gun! So I went to the Bentley and rifled through the mess that has resulted since I basically live out of my car as I am always at someone else’s house. I tossed the CCW around my neck and put on a straight face. I walked to the back of the line and asked a group of people how they were, if they had any questions, and if everything was ok. When they replied, I moved up another ten people and asked another group the same question. I repeated this process several times until I got hit with a question I did not know the answer to, “Am I in the right place?” True to my fashion I told them that they were in fact in the wrong location and would need to go up the road ten miles to the next polling station located on the left hand side. I am sure they are still looking for that polling station as we speak. Call me an asshole if you would like but I find that practical joke a tad funny. Anyway back to the task at hand, cutting the line! I finally made my way to the very front of the line and asked the nice man at the front of the line if he was doing okay and if he had any questions. When I heard the word “NEXT” I made my move. I presented the very ID that was on my neck, signed my form, and went into the voting booth to cast my vote. I walked out of the polling office unnoticed and got into my car with a feeling of great victory! The radio reported the average polling wait was two hours. I got out in 10 minutes.

Yes, I understand it is probably heavily illegal to impersonate a poll worker but guess what……… I DON’T CARE. I didn’t really impersonate so much as made people assume, but that’s splitting hairs. Anyway I made it out in 15 minutes! I feel like I cheated a system that always seems to cheat me and got a good laugh in the process. On top of it, I got to tell my boss that I was sitting in line for 3 hours while I was really relaxing in my bed. ELECTIONS FTW!!!!!!

For the people crying about what I did to the woman by steering her to the wrong polling station, I will say only this………. She 100% deserved for that to happen to her. Her attitude was HORRIBLE and she had an obvious chip on her shoulder towards some of the other people in line, the main person being me. Trust me when I tell you that the woman was no saint and deserved what was coming to her. When you try to gain someones attention by saying “yo white boy, yo white boy” and then follow that up with a question along the likes of “White boy I be in da right place, ain’t I?” You really are not going to get the right answer from me. Everything aside, I really feel I did no wrong. The people who actually believed that a guy who pulled up in a Bentley GTC wearing an Armani suit and Luis Vuitton shoes worked for the polls deserved to be cut in line. Come on, half of them saw the car and every single one of them saw the clothing.

The Transportation

The Transportation

The Lizard

The Suit

The Kicks

The Kicks


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