Crackers For Breakfast

Ex-Girlfriend,Religion,Women | Tuesday January 27 2009 2:20 am | Comments (2) Tags: , , ,

I went on vacation to Louisiana with a female friend of mine. I did it for a few reasons; one of which was to party my ass off on Bourbon street and the other was because she thought we were in a relationship and wanted me to meet her parents. She was good in bed so i had no choice. I knew she was a goodie two-shoes when we first got together, but I molded her into a perfect freak in the sheets. She warned me that her family was very religious but I didn’t think anything of it. We partied throughout the weekend and on Sunday morning I was awoken at 7:30am for church (after going to bed at 6). I begged and pleaded for sleep to no avail. I stated out of respect for my own religion (Judaism) that I shouldn’t have to go to church. She insisted that if I didn’t go it would crush her and disrespect her family, so I decided I’d go.

At the time I was into wild, Versace type shirts so I picked the least wild one, a zebra print silk shirt that screamed look at me and a pair of dress pants. I put on a tie that didn’t even come close to matching, but I was told I needed to wear one. I looked ridiculous, I was massively hung over, tired, and starving. The only thing that kept me awake during the service was the burning sensation I had in the back of my head from the members of the church staring at my ridiculous church outfit. Everything the priest said went in one ear and out the other. I waited patiently for breakfast and there it was: those wonderful crackers were passed around in a big basket. I couldn’t figure out why people were taking just one. I thought they just weren’t in the same position as I was. After all, how many people get black out drunk and stumble home a few hours before church? I must be the only hung over and hungry person in church. I waited patiently watching everyone eat the crackers one by one. I couldn’t take it anymore, my mouth was watering for food. Finally the basket came to me and I grabbed a handful and stuffed it into my mouth as fast as I possibly could. I didn’t even chew, I just swallowed and grabbed another handful. I was so hungry! I then noticed my girlfriend’s brother falling over laughing and figured that I must have missed something funny that the priest said so i kept eating and gave a chuckle to make it seem like i was paying attention.

Soon afterward, I noticed everyone in the room staring at me in disgust. My girlfriend was bright red and resembled a tea pot with steam coming out of her ears. I looked at her with a mouthful of crackers and said ”what?” The whole church was silent staring at me. “What are you doing?” she asked, to which I replied eating breakfast. “That’s not breakfast, it’s the body of Christ,” she said. I immediately thought I was eating dead guy crackers so I spit them out and dropped the basket, at which time the whole church gasped and my girlfriend’s father grabbed my arm and escorted me out. From the outside looking in, I could see why they would be upset. A ridiculous looking kid in a zebra silk shirt is treating the body of Christ like he was a kid in the candy store: laughing and carrying on with total disregard.

Once outside with her whole family, he asked me what I was thinking. I replied by saying “what was I supposed to think, I thought it was breakfast!” He asked how I could make such a stupid mistake and all the wrong words came out.

”I’ve never been to church, how am supposed to know? At temple if you are hungry you get a bagel, if you’re thirsty you get water, and if your hung over you simply don’t go. No wonder I’m a Jew, who wants to eat the body of Jesus for breakfast?”

At which point he screamed “it’s not breakfast” and i replied with ”duh i just figured that out!” It is my firm belief that if her father was not such a christian man, he would have knocked me out right then and there. As you probably guessed, the girlfriend and I broke up soon after.

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2 Responses to “Crackers For Breakfast”

  1. Bob says:

    Dude, Catholicism is weird to an outsider, I don’t blame you. That, and drunk munchies are something fierce. Good first story.

  2. Carly says:

    Hahaha it is still funny reading it a second time. I’m a Jew and one time after a soccer game, my friend asked me to sleep over ,which I did. Then I was woken up at around 7:30am to go to church, which I had never been to and hadn’t known was part of the “sleeping over” deal. I dont remember, but I am fairly certain I went in my soccer uniform. Worst experience of my life– needless to say, we are no longer friends.

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