First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

Then I Took Out Some Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Going To Work With Tool #1

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Inspecting My Handiwork

Don’t forget to comment and show me some love on Valentine’s Day!

The Finished Product

That being said, I was de-virginized on the same day I got my car. Kind of Ironic since now at 23 I’m using Bentleys, Ferraris, and Lambos to get laid! Anyway, the story of me losing my virginity is yet another extremely funny and odd tale but I will save that for another day. This story pertains to road head! I was with this wonderful girl named Caroline. She was almost 5′ tall, had a nice set of tits, and an amazingly large ass. To this day she still has an amazing ass and an even better set of fake DD tits with a nipple ring to boot! She was basically my main girl for a while; she loved other girls so it worked out perfectly.

One day she asked if I had ever heard of road head; at that point in my life I had not heard of it, but I heard the word “head” and was very intrigued. When I was told what it entailed I decided that it was a theoretically perfect idea that I probably shouldn’t execute. At that point of my life I had already wrecked two cars that I personally owned and flipped a rented Range Rover end over end trying to go off-roading (yet another wonderful tale I will tell later). Given the circumstances, I figured it would be wise not to get behind the wheel with my cock out and Caroline between my legs trying to get every last ounce of her favorite man juice out of what we at the time called “BOB” (today we call it the JewC).

Depressed that I couldn’t partake in this new concept of Road Head, a light bulb went off in my head, something I recognize today as being a sign of a horrible Idea. I thought what if I could PRACTICE road head. I called Caroline and told her about my concept, she was happy to oblige. I grabbed two kitchen chairs and put them in front of my television. I had Caroline sit on the right chair with me on the left,  took my pants off, and ran to the PlayStation console. I turned it on, put in Gran Turismo 2 or 3 (I cant remember which, but it doesn’t really matter), and picked up the controller. As I was about to start my first race I said “Suck” and she did exactly that. Turn by turn, stretch by stretch, I was driving like a pro. I had to lift the remote a few times but I was getting the hang of it.

The road course got a little more intense just as Caroline began going up and down with her mouth and hand simultaneously. Oh wow that was great, what a rush. Just then, I felt an even greater rush and all at once I came, crashed into a wall, AND dropped the play station remote right on Caroline’s head causing the loudest and strangest sound on earth. It was a combination of complete carnage to the PlayStation car, and the dick muffled OUCH of Caroline as the remote smacked her on the back of her head.

That day I decided road head was not a good idea to try in real life and Caroline went home with an ice pack on her head. That wasn’t the first time she and I tried some crazy Ideas, and it definitely wasn’t the last time she got hurt in the process.

One of my first pimp clients (before I actually knew pimps existed outside of the movies) was PimpC. Now Pimp C wasn’t the first pimp I saw in my store, but he was the first one that was my client. Let me tell you something, the weed smell on PimpC was the strongest smell you have ever smelled in your life. It was a constant smell; as he treated weed like it was legal. He’d just walked up and down the street puffin on the strongest weed that god let grow! PimpC had lived in Cali but had a nice penthouse in South Beach so PimpC got his weed FedExed to him from Cali. I kid you not, one time he cracked open the lid on a  tightly packaged box while in my office and and the smell stunk up my office for over a week. The shit was that strong!

Anyway, here’s the story about my first night out with PIMPC!
PimpC invited me out to go to very well known, high-end, hard to get into club with him. I of course didn’t know how exactly a pimp rolled and was a massive idiot who brought my girlfriend (at the time) with! Well we pull up and valet at his condo and ride the elevator to the top. Before we even got to the top floor you could start smelling the weed! The second the elevator doors opened, the weed smell and smoke rushed in making both me and my girlfriend cough (yes, that much weed) There was no furniture in the whole condo except for one couch. There were three women sitting on the couch in literally NOTHING; I mean butt naked! I immediately cursed myself for bringing my girlfriend. Also the only drink that was available was Cristal, there were more Cristal bottles in this condo then any place I had ever seen. Running interference with my girl is a story in itself but I got her to calm down to a normal level (the second hand smoke probably helped).

So we make our way to the club, I am in a Ferrari 360 Spider and PimpC is in the new Rolls-Royce Phantom He just bought from me along with 4 women dressed in next to nothing. We parked right in front of the club; not on the side, not in the back, in front. PimpC took one of the biggest wads of cash I had ever seen anyone carry out of his pocket and pealed back a few 100’s to give to the valet. Now I have some amazing hook ups in town: I don’t wait in lines for more than the time it takes for the door guy or bouncer to see me, but this time was way different. This time we went around to the back of the club and walked right in as if it was PimpC’s own special entrance and there was a massive magnum bottle of goose waiting for us at a table. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more BALLER than that, 7 hot waitresses came out with Bottles of Cristal with Sparklers attached to the bottle…That’s right, 7 bottles of Cristal for 7 people!

I had my beautiful girlfriend (who I was feeding alcohol in hopes that she would pass out and I could have the 4 hookers to myself), I had my own bottle of Cristal, and I had 4 hookers! That’s the top of the world my friends! At this point PimpC gets handed his pimp cup (no, I’m not kidding he really had a pimp cup). He then takes out a long cigarette case that had diamonds and whatnot all over it. He opens the case and pulls out a pre-rolled blunt, sticks it in his mouth and lights it up right in the club! Immediately it reeks of weed but he doesn’t give a single shit. He takes out a few more blunts and lights them up and passes them around, LIKE ITS LEGAL!

I remember taking a few puffs and being instantly High. When I turned to PimpC he said:

“YOU Like Dat Weed, Dat Be Snoops Weed, I gets it from snoop and I had no doubt in my mind that he actually did get the weed from the weed master himself SNOOP DOGG.”

I kept feeding my girlfriend drinks hoping she would get drunk enough to pass out, but not too drunk so she would start getting sick. I wanted to increase my fun not ruin it!

Alas The Lizard was successful in getting his girl to pass out into a drunken stupor and I was left all alone (well me and a bottle of Cristal) in a room with some very nice ladies. I threw my girl into an empty room and took full advantage of the only piece of furniture in the whole multimillion dollar condo. The girls were already naked by the time the elevator doors opened (which is nice but I always enjoy the thrill of ripping clothes off). Lucky for me these girls were pros and had my clothes off and dick hard quicker then a bum runs up to the car window when you hold out a hundred dollar bill out of a Ferrari. I was trying to satisfy all four of the women while also trying not to move too quickly and have all the alcohol I drank come back up.

This wasn’t my first roust with multiple women, but it was my first time doing it while my girlfriend was passed out in the other room. That being said, I only had one thought in my mind and it wasn’t what if my girlfriend wakes up! This is something every man should remember when being with multiple women: line them up side by side face down asses up and go from one to the next to the next pounding away. It was quite fun, I felt like I was a composer for an erotic symphony. One girl would moan, one girl would groan, one girl would oh god, and then of course the other would Daddy (which I happen to love). I was making music going from one to the next. I kept trying to arrange it so that I got an OH from the “Oh god” girl and a Daddy from the daddy girl giving me the wonderful music of OH DADDY…but it never quite worked out right. Regardless, it was a brilliant performance that could have made Mozart proud…or at least jealous. I finished up with an even more ingenious plan, the sprinkler. Now I normally love making women get on their knees to get the ultimate cumshot in the face or tits. I really enjoy it, but the line of 4 girls is just to long to hit each and everyone of them with some Lizard Juice. I decided they should make a hooker circle around me and I could spin around giving them each a chance to suck my cock which I call JewC (there will be a story about why I call it that and the powers that it has later). Now as I’m just about to feel JewC explode I do a quick spin sprinkling each and every one of them with Jew C juice. It was an epic move which I now call the sprinkler

This was the first night of pimpin’ with a pimp and feeling like the ultimate rapper but it was most certainly not the last. There were many more nights with PimpC as well as other pimps who were equally as fun. To this day my girlfriend who is now an ex has absolutely no idea of how much fun I actually had on that night.

At the time I was into wild, Versace type shirts so I picked the least wild one, a zebra print silk shirt that screamed look at me and a pair of dress pants. I put on a tie that didn’t even come close to matching, but I was told I needed to wear one. I looked ridiculous, I was massively hung over, tired, and starving. The only thing that kept me awake during the service was the burning sensation I had in the back of my head from the members of the church staring at my ridiculous church outfit. Everything the priest said went in one ear and out the other. I waited patiently for breakfast and there it was: those wonderful crackers were passed around in a big basket. I couldn’t figure out why people were taking just one. I thought they just weren’t in the same position as I was. After all, how many people get black out drunk and stumble home a few hours before church? I must be the only hung over and hungry person in church. I waited patiently watching everyone eat the crackers one by one. I couldn’t take it anymore, my mouth was watering for food. Finally the basket came to me and I grabbed a handful and stuffed it into my mouth as fast as I possibly could. I didn’t even chew, I just swallowed and grabbed another handful. I was so hungry! I then noticed my girlfriend’s brother falling over laughing and figured that I must have missed something funny that the priest said so i kept eating and gave a chuckle to make it seem like i was paying attention.

Soon afterward, I noticed everyone in the room staring at me in disgust. My girlfriend was bright red and resembled a tea pot with steam coming out of her ears. I looked at her with a mouthful of crackers and said ”what?” The whole church was silent staring at me. “What are you doing?” she asked, to which I replied eating breakfast. “That’s not breakfast, it’s the body of Christ,” she said. I immediately thought I was eating dead guy crackers so I spit them out and dropped the basket, at which time the whole church gasped and my girlfriend’s father grabbed my arm and escorted me out. From the outside looking in, I could see why they would be upset. A ridiculous looking kid in a zebra silk shirt is treating the body of Christ like he was a kid in the candy store: laughing and carrying on with total disregard.

Once outside with her whole family, he asked me what I was thinking. I replied by saying “what was I supposed to think, I thought it was breakfast!” He asked how I could make such a stupid mistake and all the wrong words came out.

”I’ve never been to church, how am supposed to know? At temple if you are hungry you get a bagel, if you’re thirsty you get water, and if your hung over you simply don’t go. No wonder I’m a Jew, who wants to eat the body of Jesus for breakfast?”

At which point he screamed “it’s not breakfast” and i replied with ”duh i just figured that out!” It is my firm belief that if her father was not such a christian man, he would have knocked me out right then and there. As you probably guessed, the girlfriend and I broke up soon after.