Mar
20

Lizards Can’t Fly: How I got Banned From JetBlue!

As you know, I just got back from a trip to LA. I booked my flight a month in advance which is rare for me because my trips are usually spur of the moment which causes me to pay double the price for absolutely no reason. This time, however, I put my Jewish blood to great use and searched around for the best deal possible. I searched and searched and finally found a good deal, but of course it was on a major airline that I am no longer allowed to fly on called JET BLUE! I am also not allowed to fly US AIR, but they have not officially put me on the “do not fly list” like JetBlue has. US AIR just red-flagged me.

You must be thinking “Lizard are you a terrorist? Have you threatened to light your shoes on fire? Have you brought a box cutter on a plane?” NO, I have not done any of those things and I am most certainly not a terrorist (except maybe to women). I love America, in fact I don’t even think I am allowed to leave America do to some incidents in Canada and Mexico. I know that actually makes me seem even more like a terrorist, but let me clarify. I am not a terrorist, I am an alcoholic (which is what makes me so fun in my eyes). That being said, there are two things I hate in life with a passion: the dentist and flying! In order to fly, I need to have a massive amount of pills and an even greater amount of alcohol. If I am not blackout drunk before boarding the plane, there is no way I’m boarding it.

I know what you’re thinking: “Lizard you ride Lambos and Ferraris why not fly on a private jet?” Not a chance, private Jets are scarier smaller than regular planes and I have tried and failed miserably. In fact, my good friend is the president of a very large Fractional Jet ownership company and has invited me on two trips with him in some beautiful jets. The first trip ended with him saying “Don’t do that ever again, you’ll get me fired!” the second and last trip ended with “I can’t believe you did that again, you cant fly with us anymore!”

Me on a G4 with a Famous Basketball Player
Me on a G4 with a Famous Basketball Player

There was even a time where a client told me he would send a plane for me so we could go to the Bahamas all expenses paid and he sent a twin-engine propeller 310. I refused to go as soon as the plane touched down knowing that one of two things would happen: I would have to get so drunk that I would believe in my heart I could fly the plane and I would bring us down in a blaze of drunken glory OR I would get so drunk that mid-air I would wake up from my passed out state and freak out punching the pilot in the face, going down wondering how I could have been so stupid as to knock the pilot out. Either way the flight would have ended with me dieing and although I have walked out of some near death experiences unscathed, I don’t think the lizard would survive a plane crash.

Me with the Twin-Engine 300
Me with the Twin-Engine 300

Needless to say I tried my hardest to get to the perfect level of drunk to board the plane but it didn’t work. I got to a belligerent level and argued with the pilot, tossed my luggage down the runway and told him to fetch. I then called my client and yelled at him for trying to kill me and told him that I never wanted to speak to him again. Three days later my client came to Miami where I was at and bought a 47-foot Fountain Lighting Race boat from me and we blasted off to the Bahamas!

Now that I went off on a total tangent, let me get back to why I was banned from JetBlue. It was 2005 and I wasn’t even 21 yet. I was traveling to LA with two of my friends who were very large, tattooed, muscle bound, young, and wealthy clients of mine. The flight was spur of the moment, and the only flight we could get on was coach three in a row JetBlue. I was smashed between these guys who towered over me. One of the guys I was with who we will call Scott,  is a very wealthy young client of mine whose family started a very prominent business and also owns over 30 clubs and restaurants around the US. Scott loves Jack Daniels so we sat in the airport parking lot downing Jack and stuffing Xanax into our mouths. I did it to calm myself down for the flight at hand, Scott and Mike did it because they were fucking crazy.

Anyway I was finally drunk enough to try and board the flight and got a wonderful Idea, (as you know by now all my wonderful ideas when drunk end in disaster). Scott and Mike were both 6’4″, 300LBs of muscle with tattoos head to toe. I am 5’8″ and Skinny. I decided from the time we boarded the plane to start complaining that I had to sit in between these “giant assholes” and demand to be moved to first class. I yelled, I screamed, I may have even let out a few fake tears.

In my drunken state I felt that no one was listening to me, so in order to be heard I started throwing food. I then poured the mini liquor bottles all over myself, Scott, and Mike and yelled out “look these big mother fuckers are making me spill my drink!” I demanded more mini bottles and the flight attendant said that I was not allowed to have any more liquor. Telling the lizard he cant have alcohol is like poking the incredible hulk with a stick, you just shouldn’t do it.  It sent me into a drunk range during which I started a full-on food fight. Peanuts, Chips, and Pretzels were flying everywhere. It got to the point where Scott and Mike were not having fun anymore and they tried to tie me up with my seat belt. I decided that there wasn’t enough of a mess all around us, so I took all of the leftover food, tossed it at my feet, and started jumping up and down stomping it into bits and pieces

The next thing I remember is waking up tied to my seat with Scott’s, Mike’s and my own seat belts strapping me down and cops all around me. Had we landed? Yep we had and I was informed that I would not be placed under arrest, but that I was no longer allowed to fly Jet Blue. I figured there was no way they could actually ban me from an airline until a few weeks later when I got an official letter banning me from the airline. I currently have the letter framed in my office next too a few pictures of me in some Jets and a picture of me next to the infamous 310, however I took the time to scan it for you guys. I may be the only person in history to have a letter as great as this!
The Mess I Caused on JetBlue
The Mess I Caused on JetBlue
Banned From JetBlue Formal Letter
…and the letter that resulted from it

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Mar
10

Stephanie and Beer Become Jersey and Bowling

Pornstars,Sex,Times I Almost Died,Women | Tuesday March 10 2009 12:55 am | Comments (1) Tags: , , ,

I was hoping to have a post about my shenanigans in FLOSS ANGELES ready for you guys, but the reality is that I am still in the process of piecing it together from the accounts of my friends since I wasn’t sober for most of it.

For those of you who have been following along, this post is a continuation of Stephanie and Motivational Juice

The next morning Nick called to explain what had happened. I scared the shit out of her with my gun and she liked me and “didn’t want to move too fast with me.” GREAT I get the party favor to fall in love so she wants to take it slow. Nick also informed me that he had a surprise coming from California for me, a porn star we will call Jersey. Now I was all set to turn the negative into a positive. I thought great, Stephanie loves me, I can at least score a three some out of this. The First moment I met Jersey we clicked. I picked her up from the airport with Stephanie riding shotgun. Had Stephanie not been there, I would have taken Jersey in the back seat of my car in the airport parking lot. From the moment Jersey got into the car I sensed tension with Stephanie, but I didn’t quite realize why. Later that night back at Nick’s house, I sensed that Stephanie did not like me talking to Jersey so I decided to split them up — Jersey on the patio and Stephanie on the couch. I split my time evenly between the two. I sat inside and played around with Stephanie and then I sat outside and played around with Jersey. I decided that Jersey was the one that I wanted and I was going in for the kill when she stopped me and said “I would love to **** you but Stephanie said I can’t and that she really likes you.” So now I’m sitting here with the only loyal porn star on the face of the earth who I am dieing to **** and fifteen feet from me is a porn star so in love that she wants to take it slow with a guy that doesn’t even like her! I decided to drink my problems away and come up with a new plan.

I don’t remember the plan, but what I do remember about that night is Read the rest »


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Mar
06

Lizard Pre-Flight Status Check: Floss Angeles

It is now March 6th 12:07 am

I have a flight to Cali and need to be at the airport by 5:30

I am flying to LA just for a friend’s birthday (that’s how The Lizard rolls) I always wanted to fly somewhere and then buy my clothes after I land. So what the fuck, why not do it in LA?

Here is how the Lizard Rolls:

• LIMITED LUIS VUITTON DUFFEL
• FERRARI F430
• SOME PERKS (Prescribed for my terrible back)
• ADDY (Prescribed for my terrible ADD)
• ICED OUT JACOB
• ICED OUT CHAIN
• ICED OUT CUSTOM SKULL

Lizards & Lizard Food

Lizards & Lizard Food

Lizards, Lizard Food, & Bling

Lizards, Lizard Food, & Bling

We all know that The Lizard will NEVER be able to wake up at 5:30 AM, so I’m headed to the strip club, going to drink drink drink, and then catch my flight!

WISH ME LUCK!

P.S. I may fly a random stripper with me to LA…that sounds like a great drunk Lizard Idea!

I will keep y’all updated through TWITTER and of course LVLIZARD.COM


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Feb
24

Stephanie and Motivational Juice

Pornstars,Sex,Women | Tuesday February 24 2009 1:58 am | Comments (3) Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I would love to jump right into the topic at hand but I first need to let you guys know about the JewC and the magic it seems to bring to strippers and porn stars. The JewC has an amazing ability to make women fall in love and obey every word I say. Sometimes I don’t even need to take the JewC out for it to have its magic effect and meeting Stephanie was one such example.

It started a little over a year and a half ago when I first met Nick. He invited me over to his house to meet with his roommate, a very well-known porn star in Florida that we will call Stephanie. Nick has also coined her the nickname “Party Favor”, as you can pass her around like she is a party favor. The girl LOVES sex. I don’t know a single man that has met her (besides Nick) that hasn’t had sex with her. Bear in mind that it’s not Nick’s fault that he hasn’t had sex with Stephanie; his girlfriend lives with him as well and is best friends with her. If you have ever met Nick’s girlfriend, you would know that having sex with her best friend would be a quick shortcut to getting your dick cut off and thrown in the woods like John Bobbit.

Stephanie really isn’t my type of girl. It is a well known fact that I have not hooked up with a girl without fake boobs unless I was too drunk to realize the boobs were real. Even then, the boobs would have to be large enough to justify my drunken brain thinking they were fake. That being said, Stephanie does not have fake boobs or large boobs, but Read the rest »


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Feb
20

Three Girls and Viagra

Pornstars,Sex,Women | Friday February 20 2009 9:46 am | Comments (2) Tags: , ,

In typical fashion I come home from a long day of work ready to unwind, read a bit, drink a bit, and get ready to go out. I walk into my house and a naked girl greets me at my front door. I would have taken her right to my downstairs bedroom, but I heard more voices upstairs so I went to investigate. Upon reaching the second floor, I see Nick (a friend of mine in the porn business) snapping photos of another naked girl. At that point, I learned that there was another girl who is no doubt naked on my third floor. I figured I would pick one and go to my room. Little did I know that all three were ready to play.

I quickly came up with what I thought was a marvelous idea…Viagra! Read the rest »


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Feb
17

Peter…er uh I mean “Josh Hartnett” Gets Me Laid

Clubs,Sex,Strip Club,Women | Tuesday February 17 2009 9:58 am | Comments (5) Tags: , , ,

Keep in mind I’m drunk still and its 8:48 in the AM so this may not be the greatest told story but it is a great story nonetheless

So my buddy who happens to be one of my biggest clients as well as one of the largest rednecks I have ever met calls me last night wondering what I am doing. Now to understand this guy, he calls me ten times a day / night I call him the President of NASCAR, I have sold him countless cars I have even brokered a hooker to drive from Tampa to North Carolina for an over under bet. I scored 1,000 because I got her to do the deed for only 4,000! That being said my client told me to let him talk to all my girls last night five of them to be exact. Well the phone cut off on me and the girls were upset they did not get to talk to the president of NASCAR.

I hopped on the phone and texted my buddy Peter and asked him if he wanted to play a great joke on some women. Peter was up for the challenge, but we could not figure out who he could say he was. I thought Leo DiCaprio but Peter said Josh Hartnett. I figure he has a crush on Josh and that’s why he picked him but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I changed his name in my phone from Peter to Josh Hartnett and set me phone in-between the pack of women and I went outside. A minute later, the girls are yelling to me that my phone is ringing. I said who is it and one of the girls says “OMG Josh Hartnett, like THE josh Hartnett?” I yelled “Pick it up Pick it up!”

Peter was on his A Game! I guess he had googled Josh Hartnett and knew everything abut the dude because out of all the girls that talked to him, one of them was asking question upon question and Peter had all the right answers. Even so the girl was still 90% that who she was talking to was Josh and 10% that it was total bullshit. Even so, she cornered me in the bathroom Read the rest »


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Feb
14

Giving Shoes Back on Valentine’s Day

Long story short, an ex that I had dated for 3 years and followed to college cheated on me with someone I thought was a friend. She had been living with me at the time and came to collect her stuff. She did not collect her shoes and on Valentines Day she called to ask for them back in a VERY rude manor saying she had to wear them on a date with my ex-friend…needless to say I did what any reasonable man would do:

First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

Then I Chose The Appropriate Tool...

Then I Took Out Some Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Going To Work With Tool #1

Going To Work With Tool #1

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Inspecting My Handywork

Inspecting My Handiwork

Don’t forget to comment and show me some love on Valentine’s Day!

The Finished Product

The Finished Product


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Feb
12

John’s New Porsche Transforms into a Ferrari

Most of you will remember our man-bag carying, Italian friend John from a previous post; here is another of my wonderful experiences working with him. One day John called me asking for a PORSCHE but with a tiptronic (automatic) transmission I told him only women drive tiptronic Porsches and that he was going to skyrocket his gayness even further by having a tiptronic Porsche in addition to his collection of man-bags. With that combination in place, his level of gayness would reach fruitcake Starbucks mocha vente latte drinking with your pinky held out status. This of course sent him into a rage and he threatened to come down to the dealership and beat my Jew ass so that I would be drinking from a straw for the next year.

John tried to defend his choice of transmission by saying that it was “for his wife”. I then told him to go fuck himself because Read the rest »


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Feb
08

Road Head Practice

When I was 16 I got my license and lost my virginity. To give you an idea of how truly epic me turning 16 actually was, I have to share with you a bit of my background. I grew up in a semi-large yet suburban city (if you can even call Broward county Florida suburban). My high school had around 4,500 kids in it. At 16, I was just about to enter the 9th grade as I was held back once in kindergarten and again when moving to FL from another state. So there I was, the only 16 year old in the 9th grade; the only 9th grader with a mother fucking car. Pussy was flying at me left and right.

That being said, I was de-virginized on the same day I got my car. Kind of Ironic since now at 23 I’m using Bentleys, Ferraris, and Lambos to get laid! Anyway, the story of me losing my virginity is yet another extremely funny and odd tale but I will save that for another day. This story pertains to road head! I was with this wonderful girl named Caroline. She was almost 5′ tall, had a nice set of tits, and an amazingly large ass. To this day she still has an amazing ass and an even better set of fake DD tits with a nipple ring to boot! She was basically my main girl for a while; she loved other girls so it worked out perfectly.

One day she asked if I had ever heard of road head; at that point in my life I had not heard of it, but I heard the word “head” and was very intrigued. When I was told what it entailed I decided that it was a theoretically perfect idea that I probably shouldn’t execute. At that point of my life I had already wrecked two cars that I personally owned and flipped a rented Range Rover end over end trying to go off-roading (yet another wonderful tale I will tell later). Given the circumstances, I figured it would be wise not to get behind the wheel with my cock out and Caroline between my legs trying to get every last ounce of her favorite man juice out of what we at the time called “BOB” (today we call it the JewC).

Depressed that I couldn’t partake in this new concept of Road Head, a light bulb went off in my head, something I recognize today as being a sign of a horrible Idea. I thought what if I could PRACTICE road head. I called Caroline and told her about my concept Read the rest »


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Feb
02

Slap A Hoe Tribe — Girls That Like To Be Slapped

Sex,Women | Monday February 2 2009 12:13 am | Comments (5) Tags: , , , ,

One day I was bored out of my mind, a day not unlike today, so I started reading MySpace bulletins. I came across a girl who looked just like my type: stripper highlights, fake tits, and even a few tattoos! I read her bulletin, made a reply, and we sparked up a conversation. I was sad to hear that although her profile said Florida, she had moved to New Jersey a week before. I figured she would be in Florida soon enough so I should continue making conversation. Sure enough, like all my conversations with women, the subject turned to sex quicker then you can actually say the word sex.

So in my talks with this wonderful girl (who we will call Rachel), I learned that she liked to be slapped in the face during sex. Not just regular light slaps, the kind of slaps that you wouldn’t even use if you were a pimp trying to collect money from your hoes. This girl liked it hard and hadn’t found a guy who could give it to her hard enough. That being said, I have never slapped in the face. Not that it wouldn’t be fun, I just would rather not hit a girl in the face and then have her turn around and claim that I beat her up later on down the road. I also honestly never thought of it. Well Rachel now had a new idea in my head, and as I have always said new ideas in my head are more often than not horrible ideas in which I think are absolutely genius until it’s too late.

After maybe a week or two of talking to Rachel, she told me she would be coming to Florida soon so I better practice her slapping fetish. After asking a few girls I could not find anyone to practice on and I was beginning to run out of options until one day a girl, who we will call Daphne, walked up to me in a club. She said you’re Rachel’s friend Lizard, aren’t you. I of course said yes I am and we got to chatting. A drink here, a dance there, and Daphne got all hot and bothered. She asked if I wanted to go back to her place Read the rest »


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