Lizard Pre-Flight Status Check: Floss Angeles

It is now March 6th 12:07 am

I have a flight to Cali and need to be at the airport by 5:30

I am flying to LA just for a friend’s birthday (that’s how The Lizard rolls) I always wanted to fly somewhere and then buy my clothes after I land. So what the fuck, why not do it in LA?

Here is how the Lizard Rolls:

• SOME PERKS (Prescribed for my terrible back)
• ADDY (Prescribed for my terrible ADD)

Lizards & Lizard Food

Lizards & Lizard Food

Lizards, Lizard Food, & Bling

Lizards, Lizard Food, & Bling

We all know that The Lizard will NEVER be able to wake up at 5:30 AM, so I’m headed to the strip club, going to drink drink drink, and then catch my flight!


P.S. I may fly a random stripper with me to LA…that sounds like a great drunk Lizard Idea!

I will keep y’all updated through TWITTER and of course LVLIZARD.COM

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Peter…er uh I mean “Josh Hartnett” Gets Me Laid

Clubs,Sex,Strip Club,Women | Tuesday February 17 2009 9:58 am | Comments (5) Tags: , , ,

Keep in mind I’m drunk still and its 8:48 in the AM so this may not be the greatest told story but it is a great story nonetheless

So my buddy who happens to be one of my biggest clients as well as one of the largest rednecks I have ever met calls me last night wondering what I am doing. Now to understand this guy, he calls me ten times a day / night I call him the President of NASCAR, I have sold him countless cars I have even brokered a hooker to drive from Tampa to North Carolina for an over under bet. I scored 1,000 because I got her to do the deed for only 4,000! That being said my client told me to let him talk to all my girls last night five of them to be exact. Well the phone cut off on me and the girls were upset they did not get to talk to the president of NASCAR.

I hopped on the phone and texted my buddy Peter and asked him if he wanted to play a great joke on some women. Peter was up for the challenge, but we could not figure out who he could say he was. I thought Leo DiCaprio but Peter said Josh Hartnett. I figure he has a crush on Josh and that’s why he picked him but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I changed his name in my phone from Peter to Josh Hartnett and set me phone in-between the pack of women and I went outside. A minute later, the girls are yelling to me that my phone is ringing. I said who is it and one of the girls says “OMG Josh Hartnett, like THE josh Hartnett?” I yelled “Pick it up Pick it up!”

Peter was on his A Game! I guess he had googled Josh Hartnett and knew everything abut the dude because out of all the girls that talked to him, one of them was asking question upon question and Peter had all the right answers. Even so the girl was still 90% that who she was talking to was Josh and 10% that it was total bullshit. Even so, she cornered me in the bathroom Read the rest »

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Save yourself from tickets!


John’s New Porsche Transforms into a Ferrari

Most of you will remember our man-bag carying, Italian friend John from a previous post; here is another of my wonderful experiences working with him. One day John called me asking for a PORSCHE but with a tiptronic (automatic) transmission I told him only women drive tiptronic Porsches and that he was going to skyrocket his gayness even further by having a tiptronic Porsche in addition to his collection of man-bags. With that combination in place, his level of gayness would reach fruitcake Starbucks mocha vente latte drinking with your pinky held out status. This of course sent him into a rage and he threatened to come down to the dealership and beat my Jew ass so that I would be drinking from a straw for the next year.

John tried to defend his choice of transmission by saying that it was “for his wife”. I then told him to go fuck himself because Read the rest »

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Go on, make yourself happy - have an affair!