The night the bouncer kicked my ass!

Clubs,Sex,Times I Almost Died | Wednesday April 15 2009 11:59 pm | Comments (0) Tags: , ,

I frequent a bar in Fort Lauderdale almost 4 days a week. I have had sex with all of the bartenders, the shot girls, and the door girls. Well, all of them except one, but I am working on closing that daily. Not to go off topic but she is the only girl I’ve ever had completely naked bent over her own bed staring at her mirror and wouldn’t let me do a single thing but kiss her. FUCKING BITCH!

Anyway, my escapades at this bar were getting to be a bit too much, I would generally bring in a stripper, porn star, or just run of the mill friend. I would sometimes bring in my buddies and we would act like total fools while drinking our ¼ priced bottles (because I am such a good customer). Anyway, the bouncers got a little sick of how well I was treated and that before the end of the night I was generally doing one of the employees in the club and going home with another when it closed.

One night God decided to transpire against me and cast a huge black cloud over my heaven of vagina and alcohol. The night began like usual but this time I was drunk before I even got to the bar. I was with more than one girl so I didn’t bother giving much attention to the girls that worked at the bar. What’s more is that I knew the one that I haven’t had sex with was in an extra bitchy mood that night, so I stayed away. I don’t know the exact point at which I realized my world had ended, but I think it was around the time that the bill arrived. The bill was $1,200 instead of my usual $300 or so. I asked the waitress (let’s call her Jessica) why my bill was so high. Her words will forever reign down in my mind

“Because you fucked every girl here including me and you’re a complete asshole for doing so.”

This was foresight to the fact that I had never realized that the one girl I didn’t sleep with would tell everyone that I had slept with her.  At which point, I guess they whipped out their note pads and started to compare lists. When they realized I had run the same game on every single one of them, all at the same time, under their very own noses, in their very own place of employment, my reign of pussy king was over!

That being said I refused to pay! At this point, a few rather large bouncers (which were obviously monsters compared to my small stature) asked me to pay my bill. Once again I declined and asked to speak to the owner, who I thought was my friend. The owner was, of course ,unavailable. I was then told I would be taken outside to the police if I did not pay. That was a risk I was willing to take in my inebriated state. “Take me outside” I said; at which time the bouncer informed me that if he took me outside he was going to drag me out and “fuck me up.”

So what do I do? I give him the finger and tell him to “fuck me up.” Not so shockingly that’s exactly what he did, FUCKED ME UP! He and his buddies tossed me around like a rag doll inside the club and punted me out of the front doors like I was a football! Now I’m outside bleeding and the pain still doesn’t stop, I’m getting hit from all sides. Surely the cops will break it up! Nope, they joined in and I ended up in handcuffs in the back seat of a cop car. The cops gave me two options: pay my bill and go home or don’t pay my bill and go to jail. They didn’t care that I was 5’8″ tall, 160 lbs, and had just gotten beaten up by a 6’3″ 250 pound monster number one and 6’3″ 250 pound monster number 2 in addition to a few nice shots from the boys in blue themselves. So what did I do?……… I paid the damn bill and signed it the way I sign everything: a scribble. The cop let me out of the cuffs and gave the bill to the bouncer who tossed it on the floor and said it wasn’t my real signature. I was taken down again HARD by the police and handcuffed. It was only after they checked my ID and saw that it was my actually signature that they let me go.

Now fast forward an hour or more later to around 4:00 a.m., (after I went to a different club to nurse my wounds with liquor) My fav bartender (the one who I had never fucked and who started the whole thing) called me to see if I was okay. She expressed her apologies and asked if I wanted to come over. I sensed another setup but as usual I was too drunk and too horny to care. I cabbed it to her house and went inside. She was wearing one of the sexiest outfits I had ever seen and my jaw dropped to the floor. I carried her up to the steps (or maybe she walked and I crawled up due to the alcohol) and took care of business in her hallway before we could even reach the bed. Only later did I find out that she had set the whole thing up so that I wouldn’t couldn’t have sex with her friends anymore, thus keeping me all to herself (yeah right).

I am still waiting for the perfect moment to get her back. Perhaps one day I will share a sex video of her and I while I make her say and do some things that would make even the most professional dirtiest porn star blush. Oh lets not forget when I got to the office the next day to share my story with a coworker. I mentioned to him that my arm and ribs hurt like hell. I lifted up my shirt and to my surprise I had the bruise of a shoe print on my arm and what looked to be several knuckle bruises on my ribs!

The moral of the story, take what you can and who you can but expect that one day it may all come crashing down, and when it does, you may as well just pay your bill unless you’re stupid like me andor have a blog to share the story on.

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Stephanie and Beer Become Jersey and Bowling

Pornstars,Sex,Times I Almost Died,Women | Tuesday March 10 2009 12:55 am | Comments (1) Tags: , , ,

I was hoping to have a post about my shenanigans in FLOSS ANGELES ready for you guys, but the reality is that I am still in the process of piecing it together from the accounts of my friends since I wasn’t sober for most of it.

For those of you who have been following along, this post is a continuation of Stephanie and Motivational Juice

The next morning Nick called to explain what had happened. I scared the shit out of her with my gun and she liked me and “didn’t want to move too fast with me.” GREAT I get the party favor to fall in love so she wants to take it slow. Nick also informed me that he had a surprise coming from California for me, a porn star we will call Jersey. Now I was all set to turn the negative into a positive. I thought great, Stephanie loves me, I can at least score a three some out of this. The First moment I met Jersey we clicked. I picked her up from the airport with Stephanie riding shotgun. Had Stephanie not been there, I would have taken Jersey in the back seat of my car in the airport parking lot. From the moment Jersey got into the car I sensed tension with Stephanie, but I didn’t quite realize why. Later that night back at Nick’s house, I sensed that Stephanie did not like me talking to Jersey so I decided to split them up — Jersey on the patio and Stephanie on the couch. I split my time evenly between the two. I sat inside and played around with Stephanie and then I sat outside and played around with Jersey. I decided that Jersey was the one that I wanted and I was going in for the kill when she stopped me and said “I would love to **** you but Stephanie said I can’t and that she really likes you.” So now I’m sitting here with the only loyal porn star on the face of the earth who I am dieing to **** and fifteen feet from me is a porn star so in love that she wants to take it slow with a guy that doesn’t even like her! I decided to drink my problems away and come up with a new plan.

I don’t remember the plan, but what I do remember about that night is Read the rest »

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Stephanie and Motivational Juice

Pornstars,Sex,Women | Tuesday February 24 2009 1:58 am | Comments (3) Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I would love to jump right into the topic at hand but I first need to let you guys know about the JewC and the magic it seems to bring to strippers and porn stars. The JewC has an amazing ability to make women fall in love and obey every word I say. Sometimes I don’t even need to take the JewC out for it to have its magic effect and meeting Stephanie was one such example.

It started a little over a year and a half ago when I first met Nick. He invited me over to his house to meet with his roommate, a very well-known porn star in Florida that we will call Stephanie. Nick has also coined her the nickname “Party Favor”, as you can pass her around like she is a party favor. The girl LOVES sex. I don’t know a single man that has met her (besides Nick) that hasn’t had sex with her. Bear in mind that it’s not Nick’s fault that he hasn’t had sex with Stephanie; his girlfriend lives with him as well and is best friends with her. If you have ever met Nick’s girlfriend, you would know that having sex with her best friend would be a quick shortcut to getting your dick cut off and thrown in the woods like John Bobbit.

Stephanie really isn’t my type of girl. It is a well known fact that I have not hooked up with a girl without fake boobs unless I was too drunk to realize the boobs were real. Even then, the boobs would have to be large enough to justify my drunken brain thinking they were fake. That being said, Stephanie does not have fake boobs or large boobs, but Read the rest »

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Three Girls and Viagra

Pornstars,Sex,Women | Friday February 20 2009 9:46 am | Comments (2) Tags: , ,

In typical fashion I come home from a long day of work ready to unwind, read a bit, drink a bit, and get ready to go out. I walk into my house and a naked girl greets me at my front door. I would have taken her right to my downstairs bedroom, but I heard more voices upstairs so I went to investigate. Upon reaching the second floor, I see Nick (a friend of mine in the porn business) snapping photos of another naked girl. At that point, I learned that there was another girl who is no doubt naked on my third floor. I figured I would pick one and go to my room. Little did I know that all three were ready to play.

I quickly came up with what I thought was a marvelous idea…Viagra! Read the rest »

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Peter…er uh I mean “Josh Hartnett” Gets Me Laid

Clubs,Sex,Strip Club,Women | Tuesday February 17 2009 9:58 am | Comments (5) Tags: , , ,

Keep in mind I’m drunk still and its 8:48 in the AM so this may not be the greatest told story but it is a great story nonetheless

So my buddy who happens to be one of my biggest clients as well as one of the largest rednecks I have ever met calls me last night wondering what I am doing. Now to understand this guy, he calls me ten times a day / night I call him the President of NASCAR, I have sold him countless cars I have even brokered a hooker to drive from Tampa to North Carolina for an over under bet. I scored 1,000 because I got her to do the deed for only 4,000! That being said my client told me to let him talk to all my girls last night five of them to be exact. Well the phone cut off on me and the girls were upset they did not get to talk to the president of NASCAR.

I hopped on the phone and texted my buddy Peter and asked him if he wanted to play a great joke on some women. Peter was up for the challenge, but we could not figure out who he could say he was. I thought Leo DiCaprio but Peter said Josh Hartnett. I figure he has a crush on Josh and that’s why he picked him but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I changed his name in my phone from Peter to Josh Hartnett and set me phone in-between the pack of women and I went outside. A minute later, the girls are yelling to me that my phone is ringing. I said who is it and one of the girls says “OMG Josh Hartnett, like THE josh Hartnett?” I yelled “Pick it up Pick it up!”

Peter was on his A Game! I guess he had googled Josh Hartnett and knew everything abut the dude because out of all the girls that talked to him, one of them was asking question upon question and Peter had all the right answers. Even so the girl was still 90% that who she was talking to was Josh and 10% that it was total bullshit. Even so, she cornered me in the bathroom Read the rest »

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Go on, make yourself happy - have an affair!


Giving Shoes Back on Valentine’s Day

Long story short, an ex that I had dated for 3 years and followed to college cheated on me with someone I thought was a friend. She had been living with me at the time and came to collect her stuff. She did not collect her shoes and on Valentines Day she called to ask for them back in a VERY rude manor saying she had to wear them on a date with my ex-friend…needless to say I did what any reasonable man would do:

First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

Then I Chose The Appropriate Tool...

Then I Took Out Some Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Going To Work With Tool #1

Going To Work With Tool #1

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Inspecting My Handywork

Inspecting My Handiwork

Don’t forget to comment and show me some love on Valentine’s Day!

The Finished Product

The Finished Product

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Road Head Practice

When I was 16 I got my license and lost my virginity. To give you an idea of how truly epic me turning 16 actually was, I have to share with you a bit of my background. I grew up in a semi-large yet suburban city (if you can even call Broward county Florida suburban). My high school had around 4,500 kids in it. At 16, I was just about to enter the 9th grade as I was held back once in kindergarten and again when moving to FL from another state. So there I was, the only 16 year old in the 9th grade; the only 9th grader with a mother fucking car. Pussy was flying at me left and right.

That being said, I was de-virginized on the same day I got my car. Kind of Ironic since now at 23 I’m using Bentleys, Ferraris, and Lambos to get laid! Anyway, the story of me losing my virginity is yet another extremely funny and odd tale but I will save that for another day. This story pertains to road head! I was with this wonderful girl named Caroline. She was almost 5′ tall, had a nice set of tits, and an amazingly large ass. To this day she still has an amazing ass and an even better set of fake DD tits with a nipple ring to boot! She was basically my main girl for a while; she loved other girls so it worked out perfectly.

One day she asked if I had ever heard of road head; at that point in my life I had not heard of it, but I heard the word “head” and was very intrigued. When I was told what it entailed I decided that it was a theoretically perfect idea that I probably shouldn’t execute. At that point of my life I had already wrecked two cars that I personally owned and flipped a rented Range Rover end over end trying to go off-roading (yet another wonderful tale I will tell later). Given the circumstances, I figured it would be wise not to get behind the wheel with my cock out and Caroline between my legs trying to get every last ounce of her favorite man juice out of what we at the time called “BOB” (today we call it the JewC).

Depressed that I couldn’t partake in this new concept of Road Head, a light bulb went off in my head, something I recognize today as being a sign of a horrible Idea. I thought what if I could PRACTICE road head. I called Caroline and told her about my concept Read the rest »

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Slap A Hoe Tribe — Girls That Like To Be Slapped

Sex,Women | Monday February 2 2009 12:13 am | Comments (5) Tags: , , , ,

One day I was bored out of my mind, a day not unlike today, so I started reading MySpace bulletins. I came across a girl who looked just like my type: stripper highlights, fake tits, and even a few tattoos! I read her bulletin, made a reply, and we sparked up a conversation. I was sad to hear that although her profile said Florida, she had moved to New Jersey a week before. I figured she would be in Florida soon enough so I should continue making conversation. Sure enough, like all my conversations with women, the subject turned to sex quicker then you can actually say the word sex.

So in my talks with this wonderful girl (who we will call Rachel), I learned that she liked to be slapped in the face during sex. Not just regular light slaps, the kind of slaps that you wouldn’t even use if you were a pimp trying to collect money from your hoes. This girl liked it hard and hadn’t found a guy who could give it to her hard enough. That being said, I have never slapped in the face. Not that it wouldn’t be fun, I just would rather not hit a girl in the face and then have her turn around and claim that I beat her up later on down the road. I also honestly never thought of it. Well Rachel now had a new idea in my head, and as I have always said new ideas in my head are more often than not horrible ideas in which I think are absolutely genius until it’s too late.

After maybe a week or two of talking to Rachel, she told me she would be coming to Florida soon so I better practice her slapping fetish. After asking a few girls I could not find anyone to practice on and I was beginning to run out of options until one day a girl, who we will call Daphne, walked up to me in a club. She said you’re Rachel’s friend Lizard, aren’t you. I of course said yes I am and we got to chatting. A drink here, a dance there, and Daphne got all hot and bothered. She asked if I wanted to go back to her place Read the rest »

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Go on, make yourself happy - have an affair!


No Glass (or Dogs) By The Pool

Cars,Sex,Women | Friday January 30 2009 9:39 am | Comments (4) Tags: , , , , , ,
For those of you that don’t know, I live on the intercoastal (basically the ocean). I have a dock in my back yard and about 30 steps further, there is a beautiful community pool. I like to take my laptop out there, throw the air card in, and do a little work poolside / oceanside with a Corona. Glass bottles are not allowed at the pool but who cares right? I like to bring my little dog Vinny to the pool as well even though dogs are not supposed to be roaming around the pool. I have never had a problem for a whole year of living here until today, but have had a problem following the rules for most of my life.
Let’s backtrack just a bit: about a week ago, I was walking my dog Vinny and out came this amazingly good looking girl with a little tea cup dog just like mine. Obviously a Jewish girl, which immediately gets my dick hard as I know all Jewish girls are crazy in bed and love to give head. She then tells me she went to the same university I went to and when I said my name she instantly knew who I was because of all the newspaper articles reporting my crazy antics and the many parties I had.That was the first IN! She then asked where I lived and when I pointed to the house with a different exotic car in the driveway everyday she said “Ohhhhhhhh” that was my second IN. She pointed to her house and I mentioned that I had met her boyfriend a while back and it was weird that I had never met her. She was quick to point out that he is a recent EX and at that instant I knew she was mine. I made some small chit chat and mentioned that I was recently broken up with just like her (a total lie) and then invited her into my home for a drink.
A few drinks later and you could tell this girl who we will call Jen (honestly I don’t even remember her name so this isn’t a fake name so much as it is a made-up  name) was in desperate need of some cock. She was depressed about her ex and talking up a storm about the old days of our university. She even mentioned the fact that some of her friends had sex with me and had nothing but good things to say. I didn’t remember the friends but I played along like I did. After a  short stint of drinking and reminiscing, I decided it was time to move in for the kill. The lizard came out and grabbed her by the waist, whispered a few sweet things into her ear, and then gave her a nice soft kiss. That is all it really takes to unleash the sexual beast out of a depressed, sex-starved Jewish girl! Before I knew it, we had covered all three Read the rest »

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