Anyway, my escapades at this bar were getting to be a bit too much, I would generally bring in a stripper, porn star, or just run of the mill friend. I would sometimes bring in my buddies and we would act like total fools while drinking our ¼ priced bottles (because I am such a good customer). Anyway, the bouncers got a little sick of how well I was treated and that before the end of the night I was generally doing one of the employees in the club and going home with another when it closed.

One night God decided to transpire against me and cast a huge black cloud over my heaven of vagina and alcohol. The night began like usual but this time I was drunk before I even got to the bar. I was with more than one girl so I didn’t bother giving much attention to the girls that worked at the bar. What’s more is that I knew the one that I haven’t had sex with was in an extra bitchy mood that night, so I stayed away. I don’t know the exact point at which I realized my world had ended, but I think it was around the time that the bill arrived. The bill was $1,200 instead of my usual $300 or so. I asked the waitress (let’s call her Jessica) why my bill was so high. Her words will forever reign down in my mind

“Because you fucked every girl here including me and you’re a complete asshole for doing so.”

This was foresight to the fact that I had never realized that the one girl I didn’t sleep with would tell everyone that I had slept with her.  At which point, I guess they whipped out their note pads and started to compare lists. When they realized I had run the same game on every single one of them, all at the same time, under their very own noses, in their very own place of employment, my reign of pussy king was over!

That being said I refused to pay! At this point, a few rather large bouncers (which were obviously monsters compared to my small stature) asked me to pay my bill. Once again I declined and asked to speak to the owner, who I thought was my friend. The owner was, of course ,unavailable. I was then told I would be taken outside to the police if I did not pay. That was a risk I was willing to take in my inebriated state. “Take me outside” I said; at which time the bouncer informed me that if he took me outside he was going to drag me out and “fuck me up.”

So what do I do? I give him the finger and tell him to “fuck me up.” Not so shockingly that’s exactly what he did, FUCKED ME UP! He and his buddies tossed me around like a rag doll inside the club and punted me out of the front doors like I was a football! Now I’m outside bleeding and the pain still doesn’t stop, I’m getting hit from all sides. Surely the cops will break it up! Nope, they joined in and I ended up in handcuffs in the back seat of a cop car. The cops gave me two options: pay my bill and go home or don’t pay my bill and go to jail. They didn’t care that I was 5’8″ tall, 160 lbs, and had just gotten beaten up by a 6’3″ 250 pound monster number one and 6’3″ 250 pound monster number 2 in addition to a few nice shots from the boys in blue themselves. So what did I do?……… I paid the damn bill and signed it the way I sign everything: a scribble. The cop let me out of the cuffs and gave the bill to the bouncer who tossed it on the floor and said it wasn’t my real signature. I was taken down again HARD by the police and handcuffed. It was only after they checked my ID and saw that it was my actually signature that they let me go.

Now fast forward an hour or more later to around 4:00 a.m., (after I went to a different club to nurse my wounds with liquor) My fav bartender (the one who I had never fucked and who started the whole thing) called me to see if I was okay. She expressed her apologies and asked if I wanted to come over. I sensed another setup but as usual I was too drunk and too horny to care. I cabbed it to her house and went inside. She was wearing one of the sexiest outfits I had ever seen and my jaw dropped to the floor. I carried her up to the steps (or maybe she walked and I crawled up due to the alcohol) and took care of business in her hallway before we could even reach the bed. Only later did I find out that she had set the whole thing up so that I wouldn’t couldn’t have sex with her friends anymore, thus keeping me all to herself (yeah right).

I am still waiting for the perfect moment to get her back. Perhaps one day I will share a sex video of her and I while I make her say and do some things that would make even the most professional dirtiest porn star blush. Oh lets not forget when I got to the office the next day to share my story with a coworker. I mentioned to him that my arm and ribs hurt like hell. I lifted up my shirt and to my surprise I had the bruise of a shoe print on my arm and what looked to be several knuckle bruises on my ribs!

The moral of the story, take what you can and who you can but expect that one day it may all come crashing down, and when it does, you may as well just pay your bill unless you’re stupid like me andor have a blog to share the story on.

So my buddy who happens to be one of my biggest clients as well as one of the largest rednecks I have ever met calls me last night wondering what I am doing. Now to understand this guy, he calls me ten times a day / night I call him the President of NASCAR, I have sold him countless cars I have even brokered a hooker to drive from Tampa to North Carolina for an over under bet. I scored 1,000 because I got her to do the deed for only 4,000! That being said my client told me to let him talk to all my girls last night five of them to be exact. Well the phone cut off on me and the girls were upset they did not get to talk to the president of NASCAR.

I hopped on the phone and texted my buddy Peter and asked him if he wanted to play a great joke on some women. Peter was up for the challenge, but we could not figure out who he could say he was. I thought Leo DiCaprio but Peter said Josh Hartnett. I figure he has a crush on Josh and that’s why he picked him but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I changed his name in my phone from Peter to Josh Hartnett and set me phone in-between the pack of women and I went outside. A minute later, the girls are yelling to me that my phone is ringing. I said who is it and one of the girls says “OMG Josh Hartnett, like THE josh Hartnett?” I yelled “Pick it up Pick it up!”

Peter was on his A Game! I guess he had googled Josh Hartnett and knew everything abut the dude because out of all the girls that talked to him, one of them was asking question upon question and Peter had all the right answers. Even so the girl was still 90% that who she was talking to was Josh and 10% that it was total bullshit. Even so, she cornered me in the bathroom and begged me for “Josh’s” number. Just so you know when I say cornered, I mean pinned me against the wall half choking me with my tie and ramming her tongue down my throat while some how mumbling the words “give me Josh’s number.”

When we went downstairs and the girl saw the Baby Blue AKA Smurf Blue AKA Silverlake Blue Bentley GTC, it was pretty much game over. I decided I needed to take the lie to the next level. We get to the club and I see a really good friend of mine we will call Scott. He is 40 and has already had two heart attacks, that’s how much the dude parties. He is covered from head to toe with tattoos, about 6’5″ and made of muscle. Literally MADE OF MONEY, spends it like it’s grown on trees! His father started a major corporation; they own a ton of nightclubs and bars on top of that. That being said, he decided to buy the bar ten bottles of Cristal, 4 magnum sized bottles of Goose and of course a bottle of Jack just for himself to chug around the club. It was GAME OVER. Scott loves me because I make sure to pack his tables with women and act just as out of control as him!

We had the tables packed and I forgot about my girl for the time being. She 100% did not forget about Josh or me. She had made her way through the crowd to talk to me. I had told Scott the Josh story and he played along asking her what she thought of Josh and telling her that we had all been friends for a while. She ate it all up! Now I have a great agreement with the bathroom attendant at this particular club. I have been tipping him well for years so he lets me bring in chicks on a regular basis and locks the door for me regardless of how many people are waiting in line. Tonight was no exception and I made her prove to me just how much she wanted “Josh’s” Number. BOY DID SHE PROVE IT! That being said, I went back to the VIP tables only to pull a straight lizard on Scott’s best friend’s brother’s bodyguard’s girlfriend. The dude almost killed me, so I decided to hightail it out of there and left my whole crew in the process.

I Bentley pimped it to one of the best strip clubs known to man solo but the Josh girl was blowing up my phone wondering where I was. She jumped up to the strip club for some more fun. Anyway the story is getting a little long so we will leave it at this: it’s 9:09AM now and I left the strip club at 7:30 am after being there for a total of four hours. The strip club was EPIC as usual but that’s a whole new post if I get around to it. Josh’s girl was a total freak at the club, even crazier at the strip club and I owe it all to my boy Peter! As of this day it is the biggest lie I have ever had a success with. I don’t know how much further I can go with my outlandish stories to women after this one!

THANKS PETER, I OWE YOU!

One of my first pimp clients (before I actually knew pimps existed outside of the movies) was PimpC. Now Pimp C wasn’t the first pimp I saw in my store, but he was the first one that was my client. Let me tell you something, the weed smell on PimpC was the strongest smell you have ever smelled in your life. It was a constant smell; as he treated weed like it was legal. He’d just walked up and down the street puffin on the strongest weed that god let grow! PimpC had lived in Cali but had a nice penthouse in South Beach so PimpC got his weed FedExed to him from Cali. I kid you not, one time he cracked open the lid on a  tightly packaged box while in my office and and the smell stunk up my office for over a week. The shit was that strong!

Anyway, here’s the story about my first night out with PIMPC!
PimpC invited me out to go to very well known, high-end, hard to get into club with him. I of course didn’t know how exactly a pimp rolled and was a massive idiot who brought my girlfriend (at the time) with! Well we pull up and valet at his condo and ride the elevator to the top. Before we even got to the top floor you could start smelling the weed! The second the elevator doors opened, the weed smell and smoke rushed in making both me and my girlfriend cough (yes, that much weed) There was no furniture in the whole condo except for one couch. There were three women sitting on the couch in literally NOTHING; I mean butt naked! I immediately cursed myself for bringing my girlfriend. Also the only drink that was available was Cristal, there were more Cristal bottles in this condo then any place I had ever seen. Running interference with my girl is a story in itself but I got her to calm down to a normal level (the second hand smoke probably helped).

So we make our way to the club, I am in a Ferrari 360 Spider and PimpC is in the new Rolls-Royce Phantom He just bought from me along with 4 women dressed in next to nothing. We parked right in front of the club; not on the side, not in the back, in front. PimpC took one of the biggest wads of cash I had ever seen anyone carry out of his pocket and pealed back a few 100’s to give to the valet. Now I have some amazing hook ups in town: I don’t wait in lines for more than the time it takes for the door guy or bouncer to see me, but this time was way different. This time we went around to the back of the club and walked right in as if it was PimpC’s own special entrance and there was a massive magnum bottle of goose waiting for us at a table. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more BALLER than that, 7 hot waitresses came out with Bottles of Cristal with Sparklers attached to the bottle…That’s right, 7 bottles of Cristal for 7 people!

I had my beautiful girlfriend (who I was feeding alcohol in hopes that she would pass out and I could have the 4 hookers to myself), I had my own bottle of Cristal, and I had 4 hookers! That’s the top of the world my friends! At this point PimpC gets handed his pimp cup (no, I’m not kidding he really had a pimp cup). He then takes out a long cigarette case that had diamonds and whatnot all over it. He opens the case and pulls out a pre-rolled blunt, sticks it in his mouth and lights it up right in the club! Immediately it reeks of weed but he doesn’t give a single shit. He takes out a few more blunts and lights them up and passes them around, LIKE ITS LEGAL!

I remember taking a few puffs and being instantly High. When I turned to PimpC he said:

“YOU Like Dat Weed, Dat Be Snoops Weed, I gets it from snoop and I had no doubt in my mind that he actually did get the weed from the weed master himself SNOOP DOGG.”

I kept feeding my girlfriend drinks hoping she would get drunk enough to pass out, but not too drunk so she would start getting sick. I wanted to increase my fun not ruin it!

Alas The Lizard was successful in getting his girl to pass out into a drunken stupor and I was left all alone (well me and a bottle of Cristal) in a room with some very nice ladies. I threw my girl into an empty room and took full advantage of the only piece of furniture in the whole multimillion dollar condo. The girls were already naked by the time the elevator doors opened (which is nice but I always enjoy the thrill of ripping clothes off). Lucky for me these girls were pros and had my clothes off and dick hard quicker then a bum runs up to the car window when you hold out a hundred dollar bill out of a Ferrari. I was trying to satisfy all four of the women while also trying not to move too quickly and have all the alcohol I drank come back up.

This wasn’t my first roust with multiple women, but it was my first time doing it while my girlfriend was passed out in the other room. That being said, I only had one thought in my mind and it wasn’t what if my girlfriend wakes up! This is something every man should remember when being with multiple women: line them up side by side face down asses up and go from one to the next to the next pounding away. It was quite fun, I felt like I was a composer for an erotic symphony. One girl would moan, one girl would groan, one girl would oh god, and then of course the other would Daddy (which I happen to love). I was making music going from one to the next. I kept trying to arrange it so that I got an OH from the “Oh god” girl and a Daddy from the daddy girl giving me the wonderful music of OH DADDY…but it never quite worked out right. Regardless, it was a brilliant performance that could have made Mozart proud…or at least jealous. I finished up with an even more ingenious plan, the sprinkler. Now I normally love making women get on their knees to get the ultimate cumshot in the face or tits. I really enjoy it, but the line of 4 girls is just to long to hit each and everyone of them with some Lizard Juice. I decided they should make a hooker circle around me and I could spin around giving them each a chance to suck my cock which I call JewC (there will be a story about why I call it that and the powers that it has later). Now as I’m just about to feel JewC explode I do a quick spin sprinkling each and every one of them with Jew C juice. It was an epic move which I now call the sprinkler

This was the first night of pimpin’ with a pimp and feeling like the ultimate rapper but it was most certainly not the last. There were many more nights with PimpC as well as other pimps who were equally as fun. To this day my girlfriend who is now an ex has absolutely no idea of how much fun I actually had on that night.