The night the bouncer kicked my ass!

Clubs,Sex,Times I Almost Died | Wednesday April 15 2009 11:59 pm | Comments (0) Tags: , ,

I frequent a bar in Fort Lauderdale almost 4 days a week. I have had sex with all of the bartenders, the shot girls, and the door girls. Well, all of them except one, but I am working on closing that daily. Not to go off topic but she is the only girl I’ve ever had completely naked bent over her own bed staring at her mirror and wouldn’t let me do a single thing but kiss her. FUCKING BITCH!

Anyway, my escapades at this bar were getting to be a bit too much, I would generally bring in a stripper, porn star, or just run of the mill friend. I would sometimes bring in my buddies and we would act like total fools while drinking our ¼ priced bottles (because I am such a good customer). Anyway, the bouncers got a little sick of how well I was treated and that before the end of the night I was generally doing one of the employees in the club and going home with another when it closed.

One night God decided to transpire against me and cast a huge black cloud over my heaven of vagina and alcohol. The night began like usual but this time I was drunk before I even got to the bar. I was with more than one girl so I didn’t bother giving much attention to the girls that worked at the bar. What’s more is that I knew the one that I haven’t had sex with was in an extra bitchy mood that night, so I stayed away. I don’t know the exact point at which I realized my world had ended, but I think it was around the time that the bill arrived. The bill was $1,200 instead of my usual $300 or so. I asked the waitress (let’s call her Jessica) why my bill was so high. Her words will forever reign down in my mind

“Because you fucked every girl here including me and you’re a complete asshole for doing so.”

This was foresight to the fact that I had never realized that the one girl I didn’t sleep with would tell everyone that I had slept with her.  At which point, I guess they whipped out their note pads and started to compare lists. When they realized I had run the same game on every single one of them, all at the same time, under their very own noses, in their very own place of employment, my reign of pussy king was over!

That being said I refused to pay! At this point, a few rather large bouncers (which were obviously monsters compared to my small stature) asked me to pay my bill. Once again I declined and asked to speak to the owner, who I thought was my friend. The owner was, of course ,unavailable. I was then told I would be taken outside to the police if I did not pay. That was a risk I was willing to take in my inebriated state. “Take me outside” I said; at which time the bouncer informed me that if he took me outside he was going to drag me out and “fuck me up.”

So what do I do? I give him the finger and tell him to “fuck me up.” Not so shockingly that’s exactly what he did, FUCKED ME UP! He and his buddies tossed me around like a rag doll inside the club and punted me out of the front doors like I was a football! Now I’m outside bleeding and the pain still doesn’t stop, I’m getting hit from all sides. Surely the cops will break it up! Nope, they joined in and I ended up in handcuffs in the back seat of a cop car. The cops gave me two options: pay my bill and go home or don’t pay my bill and go to jail. They didn’t care that I was 5’8″ tall, 160 lbs, and had just gotten beaten up by a 6’3″ 250 pound monster number one and 6’3″ 250 pound monster number 2 in addition to a few nice shots from the boys in blue themselves. So what did I do?……… I paid the damn bill and signed it the way I sign everything: a scribble. The cop let me out of the cuffs and gave the bill to the bouncer who tossed it on the floor and said it wasn’t my real signature. I was taken down again HARD by the police and handcuffed. It was only after they checked my ID and saw that it was my actually signature that they let me go.

Now fast forward an hour or more later to around 4:00 a.m., (after I went to a different club to nurse my wounds with liquor) My fav bartender (the one who I had never fucked and who started the whole thing) called me to see if I was okay. She expressed her apologies and asked if I wanted to come over. I sensed another setup but as usual I was too drunk and too horny to care. I cabbed it to her house and went inside. She was wearing one of the sexiest outfits I had ever seen and my jaw dropped to the floor. I carried her up to the steps (or maybe she walked and I crawled up due to the alcohol) and took care of business in her hallway before we could even reach the bed. Only later did I find out that she had set the whole thing up so that I wouldn’t couldn’t have sex with her friends anymore, thus keeping me all to herself (yeah right).

I am still waiting for the perfect moment to get her back. Perhaps one day I will share a sex video of her and I while I make her say and do some things that would make even the most professional dirtiest porn star blush. Oh lets not forget when I got to the office the next day to share my story with a coworker. I mentioned to him that my arm and ribs hurt like hell. I lifted up my shirt and to my surprise I had the bruise of a shoe print on my arm and what looked to be several knuckle bruises on my ribs!

The moral of the story, take what you can and who you can but expect that one day it may all come crashing down, and when it does, you may as well just pay your bill unless you’re stupid like me andor have a blog to share the story on.

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Go on, make yourself happy - have an affair!


Peter…er uh I mean “Josh Hartnett” Gets Me Laid

Clubs,Sex,Strip Club,Women | Tuesday February 17 2009 9:58 am | Comments (5) Tags: , , ,

Keep in mind I’m drunk still and its 8:48 in the AM so this may not be the greatest told story but it is a great story nonetheless

So my buddy who happens to be one of my biggest clients as well as one of the largest rednecks I have ever met calls me last night wondering what I am doing. Now to understand this guy, he calls me ten times a day / night I call him the President of NASCAR, I have sold him countless cars I have even brokered a hooker to drive from Tampa to North Carolina for an over under bet. I scored 1,000 because I got her to do the deed for only 4,000! That being said my client told me to let him talk to all my girls last night five of them to be exact. Well the phone cut off on me and the girls were upset they did not get to talk to the president of NASCAR.

I hopped on the phone and texted my buddy Peter and asked him if he wanted to play a great joke on some women. Peter was up for the challenge, but we could not figure out who he could say he was. I thought Leo DiCaprio but Peter said Josh Hartnett. I figure he has a crush on Josh and that’s why he picked him but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I changed his name in my phone from Peter to Josh Hartnett and set me phone in-between the pack of women and I went outside. A minute later, the girls are yelling to me that my phone is ringing. I said who is it and one of the girls says “OMG Josh Hartnett, like THE josh Hartnett?” I yelled “Pick it up Pick it up!”

Peter was on his A Game! I guess he had googled Josh Hartnett and knew everything abut the dude because out of all the girls that talked to him, one of them was asking question upon question and Peter had all the right answers. Even so the girl was still 90% that who she was talking to was Josh and 10% that it was total bullshit. Even so, she cornered me in the bathroom Read the rest »

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Go on, make yourself happy - have an affair!


LV Lizard and PimpC Party for the First Time

Party Like a Rapper

One of my first pimp clients (before I actually knew pimps existed outside of the movies) was PimpC. Now Pimp C wasn’t the first pimp I saw in my store, but he was the first one that was my client. Let me tell you something, the weed smell on PimpC was the strongest smell you have ever smelled in your life. It was a constant smell; as he treated weed like it was legal. He’d just walked up and down the street puffin on the strongest weed that god let grow! PimpC had lived in Cali but had a nice penthouse in South Beach so PimpC got his weed FedExed to him from Cali. I kid you not, one time he cracked open the lid on a  tightly packaged box while in my office and and the smell stunk up my office for over a week. The shit was that strong!

Anyway, here’s the story about my first night out with PIMPC!
PimpC invited me out to go to very well known, high-end, hard to get into club with him. I of course didn’t know how exactly a pimp rolled and was a massive idiot who brought my girlfriend (at the time) with! Well we pull up and valet at his condo and ride the elevator to the top. Before we even got to the top floor you could start smelling the weed! The second the elevator doors opened, the weed smell and smoke rushed in making both me and my girlfriend cough (yes, that much weed) There was no furniture in the whole condo except for one couch. There were three women sitting on the couch in literally NOTHING; I mean butt naked! I immediately cursed myself for Read the rest »

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