Apr
10

The Day Tuna Almost Died

This story does not involve women or anything particularly wild, but it’s a story I was just thinking about today when talking with my old friend/boss who we called Tuna. Tuna is the guy who taught me everything I know in the car business. I sat next to him from the day I started to the day he left which was around a year total. Monday through Saturday 9:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. I was with Tuna, and on Sundays I was with his family for Sunday football BBQ. Tuna grew to be sort of like a father or big brother to me and the day he decided to leave literally shook me up more then I could have imagined. Tuna was known as a real serious guy but he couldn’t help becoming a jokester around me. I really don’t think anyone can help acting like a complete fool around me because I just bring the fun out in people.

This is almost a story of the boy who cried wolf but the outcome could have been a lot more dangerous. One particularly hot summer day, Tuna decided to get in and drive a trade-in we had acquired. The trade-in was one of those odd looking Chevrolet SSR convertible trucks, it was new and innovative at the time. Tuna had taken the car around the block and then parked it back in its original spot. I went out to see if I could take it for a spin and Tuna shooed me away. I figured he was on the phone or just having a bad morning so I went back inside.

After about five minutes, I noticed that Tuna was not back in the office so I asked one of the other guys where he was. Dave replied that he had no idea but he would go check on it. He came back a minute later laughing hysterically, saying that Tuna was in the car making faces and screaming. We all figured he was on the phone with his wife or his girlfriend or for that matter both at the same time. Dave and I decided to go out there and make faces back at Tuna. After a little while, we went back inside as it looked like we were only elevating the situation and making Tuna even more upset.

Another few minutes later, we hear a loud banging noise and then glass shattering. Not knowing what it was, and not taking any chances as shootings and explosions have become common at out dealership, we decided to hunker down and lay low. It was at that exact moment that our detail guy ran in and screamed “Tuna just broke the window and is on the concrete, I dont think he is breathing.” Automatically everyone inside assumes the worst: Tuna just got shot! No one wanted to go out there to verify if he did actually get shot for fear that they would be next. As I said earlier, Tuna and I had grown extremely close and without thinking I ran to his aid. When I got to his side I didn’t notice any blood only pools of sweat soaking his shirt. I could not understand what possibly could have happened, or why Tuna was not moving. I decided it was best not to move him, and by this point the police and ambulance had arrived and told me to step back. I don’t know exactly what they did but they got him to wake up instantly. Upon waking up, he yelled the words “Dave, Lizard, I am going to kill you” and then passed right back out.

Dave and I had zero idea what he meant, but being that Tuna was a large guy with a short fuse, I think Dave and I were happy he passed back out…looking back on that, it was probably an evil thought to have. The ambulance whisked Tuna away to the hospital before any other malicious thoughts could creep into our heads! At the hospital we learned that Tuna had suffered from heat stroke and dehydration but that he was okay. When we walked into the room where he was he was sleeping, I decided to wake him up in true LV Lizard fashion…TUNA, WAKE THE **** UP BITCH! and he woke up just like that! When we asked Tuna what happened, all he could say is that when he gets out of the hospital he was going to kick our asses! After five minutes of threats, we learned that Tuna had somehow locked himself in the car. When I initially thought that he shooed me away, he was actually motioning for me to unlock the door from the outside. When he was making faces at Dave, they were faces of helplessness and his motions to Dave were misconstrued as playful instead of disastrous. Tuna’s last hope was to kick the window out with his last ounce of strength, climb out, and hope someone came to his rescue. That was not the last time that Tuna almost died, but it was definitely the closest he had come.

In true LV Lizard fashion, I made fun of him daily for a whole month! That being said, about a month later I was sitting in a Testarossa after just taking it for a drive when Tuna and Dave walked up and held both doors shut with all their strength. I was locked in for what felt like forever, and was drenched in sweat. I felt like I was being cooked inside an oven. The fact that I am a Jew should entitle me to never have to feel that way, but lo and behold here I was in a Ferrari oven. I could not get out and I knew I couldn’t break the window, so here I was stuck. All of my teasing and taunting came right back in my face and I was finally let out of the car to Tuna saying “now you know how it feels” with a huge smile on his face.


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Apr
08

Florida “Dealer” Plates

Cars,Selling Cars | Wednesday April 8 2009 12:32 pm | Comments (1) Tags: , , , ,
The regular plates say the county of residence on the bottom

Regular plates say the county of residence on the bottom

In Florida (as in most states) car dealers get special license plates. In Florida it says DEALER on the bottom of the plate instead of the county that issues the plate.

I was rolling in South Beach in a Ferrari F430 with the top down feeling like a king.  All of a sudden, a guy runs out to the street, stops me, and says (In front of a huge crowd) “DAMMMMN BOY HOW MANY DRUGS YOU GOTTA DEAL TO GET DEALER ON YO PLATES!”  To this day everytime I am putting on a dealer plate I think of that guy and laugh.


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Apr
06

My Trip to the Polls Last November

Cars,Illegal Acts | Monday April 6 2009 11:43 pm | Comments (0) Tags: , , , , , ,

Those who know me know that I’m a very impatient person and that having to wait in line drives me nuts. It is the main reason why I refuse to go food shopping: people are way to slow with their carts and then you wait in line and the person at the register moves your products at the speed of a 400 lb turtle. Afterward you get to the bagger who cant seem to put the products in the bag correctly or promptly due to being mentally challenged! Not that there is anything wrong with that, I am all for the fact that Publix employs challenged people, however I’m just too impatient to deal with it, so I make others food shop for me. Anyway, before I go off on a rant of being impatient how about you all just take my word for it.

Here’s a play-by-play of my experience trying to vote on election day: I get to the polls at around 9:00 a.m., no doubt still drunk from the night before, or at the very least with a massive hang over and back ache from sleeping on a lazy boy chair with whatever her name was. The line was long to say the least. There was no way in hell I was waiting in it, but there was also no way in hell I was going to come all the way back out to vote later. I was clearly in the wrong place and very obviously stood out like a cotton ball in a sea of color. The voters were clearly not voting for my choice and the line was way too long, so I devised a plan to skip the line.

As I looked around, I saw that the poll workers all had on ID badges attached to lanyards around their necks. I thought PERFECT, my CCW permit is attached to a lanyard in my car and it looks like a government ID!  For those out of the loop, a CCW is a concealed weapons permit. Yes, the lizard carries a gun! Read the rest »


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Mar
20

Lizards Can’t Fly: How I got Banned From JetBlue!

As you know, I just got back from a trip to LA. I booked my flight a month in advance which is rare for me because my trips are usually spur of the moment which causes me to pay double the price for absolutely no reason. This time, however, I put my Jewish blood to great use and searched around for the best deal possible. I searched and searched and finally found a good deal, but of course it was on a major airline that I am no longer allowed to fly on called JET BLUE! I am also not allowed to fly US AIR, but they have not officially put me on the “do not fly list” like JetBlue has. US AIR just red-flagged me.

You must be thinking “Lizard are you a terrorist? Have you threatened to light your shoes on fire? Have you brought a box cutter on a plane?” NO, I have not done any of those things and I am most certainly not a terrorist (except maybe to women). I love America, in fact I don’t even think I am allowed to leave America do to some incidents in Canada and Mexico. I know that actually makes me seem even more like a terrorist, but let me clarify. I am not a terrorist, I am an alcoholic (which is what makes me so fun in my eyes). That being said, there are two things I hate in life with a passion: the dentist and flying! In order to fly, I need to have a massive amount of pills and an even greater amount of alcohol. If I am not blackout drunk before boarding the plane, there is no way I’m boarding it.

I know what you’re thinking: “Lizard you ride Lambos and Ferraris why not fly on a private jet?” Not a chance, private Jets are scarier smaller than regular planes and I have tried and failed miserably. In fact, my good friend is the president of a very large Fractional Jet ownership company and has invited me on two trips with him in some beautiful jets. The first trip ended with him saying “Don’t do that ever again, you’ll get me fired!” the second and last trip ended with “I can’t believe you did that again, you cant fly with us anymore!”

Me on a G4 with a Famous Basketball Player
Me on a G4 with a Famous Basketball Player

There was even a time where a client told me he would send a plane for me so we could go to the Bahamas all expenses paid and he sent a twin-engine propeller 310. I refused to go as soon as the plane touched down knowing that one of two things would happen: I would have to get so drunk that I would believe in my heart I could fly the plane and I would bring us down in a blaze of drunken glory OR I would get so drunk that mid-air I would wake up from my passed out state and freak out punching the pilot in the face, going down wondering how I could have been so stupid as to knock the pilot out. Either way the flight would have ended with me dieing and although I have walked out of some near death experiences unscathed, I don’t think the lizard would survive a plane crash.

Me with the Twin-Engine 300
Me with the Twin-Engine 300

Needless to say I tried my hardest to get to the perfect level of drunk to board the plane but it didn’t work. I got to a belligerent level and argued with the pilot, tossed my luggage down the runway and told him to fetch. I then called my client and yelled at him for trying to kill me and told him that I never wanted to speak to him again. Three days later my client came to Miami where I was at and bought a 47-foot Fountain Lighting Race boat from me and we blasted off to the Bahamas!

Now that I went off on a total tangent, let me get back to why I was banned from JetBlue. It was 2005 and I wasn’t even 21 yet. I was traveling to LA with two of my friends who were very large, tattooed, muscle bound, young, and wealthy clients of mine. The flight was spur of the moment, and the only flight we could get on was coach three in a row JetBlue. I was smashed between these guys who towered over me. One of the guys I was with who we will call Scott,  is a very wealthy young client of mine whose family started a very prominent business and also owns over 30 clubs and restaurants around the US. Scott loves Jack Daniels so we sat in the airport parking lot downing Jack and stuffing Xanax into our mouths. I did it to calm myself down for the flight at hand, Scott and Mike did it because they were fucking crazy.

Anyway I was finally drunk enough to try and board the flight and got a wonderful Idea, (as you know by now all my wonderful ideas when drunk end in disaster). Scott and Mike were both 6’4″, 300LBs of muscle with tattoos head to toe. I am 5’8″ and Skinny. I decided from the time we boarded the plane to start complaining that I had to sit in between these “giant assholes” and demand to be moved to first class. I yelled, I screamed, I may have even let out a few fake tears.

In my drunken state I felt that no one was listening to me, so in order to be heard I started throwing food. I then poured the mini liquor bottles all over myself, Scott, and Mike and yelled out “look these big mother fuckers are making me spill my drink!” I demanded more mini bottles and the flight attendant said that I was not allowed to have any more liquor. Telling the lizard he cant have alcohol is like poking the incredible hulk with a stick, you just shouldn’t do it.  It sent me into a drunk range during which I started a full-on food fight. Peanuts, Chips, and Pretzels were flying everywhere. It got to the point where Scott and Mike were not having fun anymore and they tried to tie me up with my seat belt. I decided that there wasn’t enough of a mess all around us, so I took all of the leftover food, tossed it at my feet, and started jumping up and down stomping it into bits and pieces

The next thing I remember is waking up tied to my seat with Scott’s, Mike’s and my own seat belts strapping me down and cops all around me. Had we landed? Yep we had and I was informed that I would not be placed under arrest, but that I was no longer allowed to fly Jet Blue. I figured there was no way they could actually ban me from an airline until a few weeks later when I got an official letter banning me from the airline. I currently have the letter framed in my office next too a few pictures of me in some Jets and a picture of me next to the infamous 310, however I took the time to scan it for you guys. I may be the only person in history to have a letter as great as this!
The Mess I Caused on JetBlue
The Mess I Caused on JetBlue
Banned From JetBlue Formal Letter
…and the letter that resulted from it

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Mar
06

Lizard Pre-Flight Status Check: Floss Angeles

It is now March 6th 12:07 am

I have a flight to Cali and need to be at the airport by 5:30

I am flying to LA just for a friend’s birthday (that’s how The Lizard rolls) I always wanted to fly somewhere and then buy my clothes after I land. So what the fuck, why not do it in LA?

Here is how the Lizard Rolls:

• LIMITED LUIS VUITTON DUFFEL
• FERRARI F430
• SOME PERKS (Prescribed for my terrible back)
• ADDY (Prescribed for my terrible ADD)
• ICED OUT JACOB
• ICED OUT CHAIN
• ICED OUT CUSTOM SKULL

Lizards & Lizard Food

Lizards & Lizard Food

Lizards, Lizard Food, & Bling

Lizards, Lizard Food, & Bling

We all know that The Lizard will NEVER be able to wake up at 5:30 AM, so I’m headed to the strip club, going to drink drink drink, and then catch my flight!

WISH ME LUCK!

P.S. I may fly a random stripper with me to LA…that sounds like a great drunk Lizard Idea!

I will keep y’all updated through TWITTER and of course LVLIZARD.COM


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Feb
14

Giving Shoes Back on Valentine’s Day

Long story short, an ex that I had dated for 3 years and followed to college cheated on me with someone I thought was a friend. She had been living with me at the time and came to collect her stuff. She did not collect her shoes and on Valentines Day she called to ask for them back in a VERY rude manor saying she had to wear them on a date with my ex-friend…needless to say I did what any reasonable man would do:

First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

Then I Chose The Appropriate Tool...

Then I Took Out Some Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Going To Work With Tool #1

Going To Work With Tool #1

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Inspecting My Handywork

Inspecting My Handiwork

Don’t forget to comment and show me some love on Valentine’s Day!

The Finished Product

The Finished Product


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Feb
12

John’s New Porsche Transforms into a Ferrari

Most of you will remember our man-bag carying, Italian friend John from a previous post; here is another of my wonderful experiences working with him. One day John called me asking for a PORSCHE but with a tiptronic (automatic) transmission I told him only women drive tiptronic Porsches and that he was going to skyrocket his gayness even further by having a tiptronic Porsche in addition to his collection of man-bags. With that combination in place, his level of gayness would reach fruitcake Starbucks mocha vente latte drinking with your pinky held out status. This of course sent him into a rage and he threatened to come down to the dealership and beat my Jew ass so that I would be drinking from a straw for the next year.

John tried to defend his choice of transmission by saying that it was “for his wife”. I then told him to go fuck himself because Read the rest »


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Feb
08

Road Head Practice

When I was 16 I got my license and lost my virginity. To give you an idea of how truly epic me turning 16 actually was, I have to share with you a bit of my background. I grew up in a semi-large yet suburban city (if you can even call Broward county Florida suburban). My high school had around 4,500 kids in it. At 16, I was just about to enter the 9th grade as I was held back once in kindergarten and again when moving to FL from another state. So there I was, the only 16 year old in the 9th grade; the only 9th grader with a mother fucking car. Pussy was flying at me left and right.

That being said, I was de-virginized on the same day I got my car. Kind of Ironic since now at 23 I’m using Bentleys, Ferraris, and Lambos to get laid! Anyway, the story of me losing my virginity is yet another extremely funny and odd tale but I will save that for another day. This story pertains to road head! I was with this wonderful girl named Caroline. She was almost 5′ tall, had a nice set of tits, and an amazingly large ass. To this day she still has an amazing ass and an even better set of fake DD tits with a nipple ring to boot! She was basically my main girl for a while; she loved other girls so it worked out perfectly.

One day she asked if I had ever heard of road head; at that point in my life I had not heard of it, but I heard the word “head” and was very intrigued. When I was told what it entailed I decided that it was a theoretically perfect idea that I probably shouldn’t execute. At that point of my life I had already wrecked two cars that I personally owned and flipped a rented Range Rover end over end trying to go off-roading (yet another wonderful tale I will tell later). Given the circumstances, I figured it would be wise not to get behind the wheel with my cock out and Caroline between my legs trying to get every last ounce of her favorite man juice out of what we at the time called “BOB” (today we call it the JewC).

Depressed that I couldn’t partake in this new concept of Road Head, a light bulb went off in my head, something I recognize today as being a sign of a horrible Idea. I thought what if I could PRACTICE road head. I called Caroline and told her about my concept Read the rest »


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Feb
04

A Lime Green Lambo and A Red Lazer Dot

Several years ago we had this guy who bought two cars a month from our dealership. Two cars per month, every month and sent them right over to the rim shop to get rims and sound systems. Then a month later, he traded the cars in for two other ones. Each time it was cold hard C A S H!

He was a big big Italian fellow who happened to carry a LV or Gucci man-bag around. In the bag was always a huge wad of cash and a gun. Well, I was the only person brave or stupid enough to constantly make fun of him about his man-bag. I made fun of him so much that he grew to like me and ultimately decided to his buy cars from me instead of the other sales guy.

Well, let me just tell you how hard (let’s call him John) John was to deal with. If he wanted a car, you had better be sure you had it, and if you didn’t, you better get it before he shows up or a scream-fest Read the rest »


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Jan
30

No Glass (or Dogs) By The Pool

Cars,Sex,Women | Friday January 30 2009 9:39 am | Comments (4) Tags: , , , , , ,
For those of you that don’t know, I live on the intercoastal (basically the ocean). I have a dock in my back yard and about 30 steps further, there is a beautiful community pool. I like to take my laptop out there, throw the air card in, and do a little work poolside / oceanside with a Corona. Glass bottles are not allowed at the pool but who cares right? I like to bring my little dog Vinny to the pool as well even though dogs are not supposed to be roaming around the pool. I have never had a problem for a whole year of living here until today, but have had a problem following the rules for most of my life.
Let’s backtrack just a bit: about a week ago, I was walking my dog Vinny and out came this amazingly good looking girl with a little tea cup dog just like mine. Obviously a Jewish girl, which immediately gets my dick hard as I know all Jewish girls are crazy in bed and love to give head. She then tells me she went to the same university I went to and when I said my name she instantly knew who I was because of all the newspaper articles reporting my crazy antics and the many parties I had.That was the first IN! She then asked where I lived and when I pointed to the house with a different exotic car in the driveway everyday she said “Ohhhhhhhh” that was my second IN. She pointed to her house and I mentioned that I had met her boyfriend a while back and it was weird that I had never met her. She was quick to point out that he is a recent EX and at that instant I knew she was mine. I made some small chit chat and mentioned that I was recently broken up with just like her (a total lie) and then invited her into my home for a drink.
A few drinks later and you could tell this girl who we will call Jen (honestly I don’t even remember her name so this isn’t a fake name so much as it is a made-up  name) was in desperate need of some cock. She was depressed about her ex and talking up a storm about the old days of our university. She even mentioned the fact that some of her friends had sex with me and had nothing but good things to say. I didn’t remember the friends but I played along like I did. After a  short stint of drinking and reminiscing, I decided it was time to move in for the kill. The lizard came out and grabbed her by the waist, whispered a few sweet things into her ear, and then gave her a nice soft kiss. That is all it really takes to unleash the sexual beast out of a depressed, sex-starved Jewish girl! Before I knew it, we had covered all three Read the rest »

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