LV Lizard Biography

| Wednesday January 28 2009 3:39 pm | Comments (7)

It’s hard to explain who I am since I am the one explaining it. Personally, I feel my actions, while abnormal, are not terrible. From the outside looking in, I guess one could construe the things I do as wild, rude, reckless and down right stupid.

First and foremost, I am 23 years old. I was honestly a normal everyday high school student. I wasn’t a wild party maniac until about senior year. I was obsessed with cars and lucky enough to scheme my way into making money at an early age. I was more interested in making money and working on cars than I was in going to class. Consequently, I went through high school graduating with more days absent than present…a lot more days! I showed up on test days, got A’s every time and nobody could tell me I needed to come to class unless I slipped up and got a B. Even then, nobody could get me to go to class. When administrators told me I would not be allowed to graduate if I didn’t go to class, I simply replied with “SO WHAT? Kick me out, I don’t want to be here anyway.” I always called their bluff like I do with everyone in life.

I ended up as an 18 year-old in the 12th grade going to the local Indian casino every day instead of school. At the time I made more money than my friends’ parents and way more money than my teachers. So I felt like I had the world by the balls. I had a fake ID, money to blow, and a serious women addiction which ultimately lead to my stripper addiction.

I didn’t want to go to college, as I was making plenty of money and having plenty of fun. I ended up getting the girl of my dreams in high school and followed her to a very well-known university. That was a short lived stint because when we got to the university I became the big shot! I had a Lexus, and a Corvette (both heavily modded) and didn’t live in the dorms like everyone else. I chose to live in a house across the street from the football stadium and all of the bars. I got myself a hot tub, put it in the living room, and always had a keg or two around. I made friends with a local guy who installed all the lighting and sound in the clubs around town. I made sure to have him install a system that rivaled any club so that my parties would always be better than anyone else’s.

I was partying, gambling, and giving away money as fast as I made it. I never set foot in class and soon decided I never would. It was an endless stream of women, an endless stream of fun. I made the front page of the local paper on more than a few occasions because of my antics. I was known all too well by all the local cops for all the wrong reasons and known very well by the local girls for all the right reasons. Life was good but I constantly searched for better. I felt as if I wasn’t making enough money as I kept spending it. If I could spend all that I made, I was clearly not making enough. It was time to learn a new trade.

I left school on vacation and spotted a place full of Ferraris and Lamborghinis. I decided I had to have one but couldn’t just buy one. I walked in, started talking with the manager and sales people, and was instantly offered a job. Within the first month, with no prior experience, I was the top sales guy. Month after month I was killing it. I finally got a Lamborghini to use as my own and life was never the same again. I instantly had an “in” to every club or restaurant I went to. I instantly knew people whose wealth far surpassed anyone I had ever met. Due to the place I was working and the clientele I served, I was an instant king of the city.
Our dealership was not a normal dealership, it was known in the business for being the worst kind of dealer, the type of dealer that invented all the scams in the 70’s and 80’s. The owners had been arrested for everything under the sun. Racketeering, drug trafficking, money laundering, and even illegal weapon sales. Needless to say, our clientele were those types of individuals.

We offered a very special program: if you couldn’t prove your name, couldn’t prove your income, but had a large sum of green cash and were willing to pay an insane amount of interest then we were putting you in traffic! It was at that job that I first found out that pimps are not just in the movies, they are real life people doing real life pimpin’! When I was growing up people assumed I was always into some sort of trouble: drugs, the mafia, whatever; but now I actually was in the mix of all of this. I was driving around in Ferraris with cash in my pocket all before I was even 21!

I did this for two years, met many interesting people, almost died on several occasions, and spent more money in those two years than most people are lucky enough to make in a lifetime. I finally got out of that dealership for reasons I will never divulge for fear of death. Even making this site and sharing some of the many crazy stories scares me and will make me look over my shoulder for the years to come.

I am now brokering exotic cars to a much better group of individuals. I make a lot less money and work with a different class of people, but I don’t have to look over my shoulder for thugs, gangsters, or government agencies anymore. As weird as it sounds, I miss it everyday which is why my antics have yet to slow down. I still party like I am one of them and still go out on a nightly basis. Because of those days, I am well known at all of the clubs, especially strip clubs which happen to be my favorite type of clubs. I walk in and the attention is on me, it’s as simple as that. Going to the strip club with me is an experience I should charge for, and might in the future. That being said, if you don’t like abnormally large fake tits that are rock hard, then going with me is pointless. I won’t talk to a woman unless she meets my one criteria: HUGE FAKE BOOBS!

I couldn’t get away from the scene totally, so I helped start an adult entertainment company that manages girls for very big name adult companies around the United States. It helped with my addiction to fake breasted women, and also helped with my resentment toward the female gender as a whole after hearing that 99% of the women schedule their porn shoots around their boyfriends work schedule so as not to get caught! I have dated normal women and I think they are just as nuts as most men do. Strippers are the next level of crazy, and by the time you get to porn stars it’s a whole other universe of absolute insanity, but that’s what makes it so fun! I will reveal my tips and tricks in stories to come.

I really think that from a biography standpoint that is about all I need to say. I drink myself into a stupor as much as I possibly can. I will break you and your girlfriend up for just one night because that’s all I need and then I hope she goes back to you. She probably won’t as I happen to be good in bed, if you don’t believe me ask your girlfriend. I will say anything that comes to mind, which is often vulgar and immature yet if it’s not said directly to you or about you then it is more often than not funny as hell! I really don’t have a filter from my brain to my mouth. When I think it, I say it, regardless of whose feelings I hurt.

The reason this site is anonymous and any of the pictures ever posted will have a lizard instead of my face is that despite my antics I am still a professional. I wake up everyday at 9:00 a.m. no matter how hard I partied and get on the phones as long as it takes me to close a deal and make some money. I have never had a personal complaint from any customer that I have dealt with. Everyone I deal with on a professional level either thinks I am a complete angel, or deals with the devil inside me by flying me to their town and inviting me out for a night of booze and boobs. I am a professional during the day and an animal at night. I just can’t help it Its Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Superman and Clark Kent, etc etc…

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7 Responses to “LV Lizard Biography”

  1. Mike says:

    It’s funny.

    But you sound like an arrogant douche. That makes it un-funny to me. And not reavealing your real name an identity just makes it easier to lie. Thus = douche. If you’re going to brag that you’re all that and a bag of chips, and claim that you truly “don’t care what people think”, then balls-up and post your name and photo. Clearly nobody is a threat to you, so what’s the issue?

    I look forward to your witty response!

  2. LV Lizard says:

    First of all, you said it was funny and then said that it’s not; make up your mind buddy. Secondly, if you read the post you just commented on (which talked about reason for not revealing my name) you would understand. To do the kind of crap I pull on a nightly basis requires money. I make money dealing with mostly rich, professional, middle-aged men who own legitimate businesses and have families. They would not buy anything from THE LIZARD, which would cut my income by about 80%. If my income was cut by that much, I wouldn’t be able to afford to go out every night, I wouldn’t be able to afford attorneys, I wouldn’t be able to drive expensive cars on a daily basis, and worst of all I wouldn’t be able to afford to bless the world by giving random women obnoxiously large fake tits.

    I am not “all that and a bag of chips” but I am clearly better then you because the last time I heard anyone use the term “all that and a bag of chips” was in 5th grade. I wish I was naive enough to think that nobody on earth posses a threat to me, but if that were the case I would post my name and photos. What do you think would happen if PimpC, John, or any of the other individuals I write about would do if they saw this blog? I would end up dead in the streets.

    That being said, you sir are not a threat to me or my way of life. Calling me an arrogant douche does nothing to my self esteem because all I need to do is go out to my garage and choose one of the two six figure vehicles currently occupying my garage, take a cruise down to the bar, and leave with any woman I choose. Hopefully that last line made me seem as arrogant as humanly possible so that you have something to get upset about.

    Thank you for giving me a reason to write.

    Your Friend,


    • Mike says:

      So all this money and you can’t buy decent protection? I don’t get it.

      I used “all that and a bag of chips” because I am in the 5th grade. I’m already pimpin’ out my bitches and have 16 different mopeds. My rides is phat bling, when I’s be whippin down the streets, days be just starin’ at me, wishin’ they live my life in tha 218. And by the sounds, I’s be startin’ younga than you’s!

      The above being said, I’m just calling it how I see it. What exactly are you expecting from bragging about your lifestyle, all you own, and all you’ve done? Jealousy? Are we supposed to bow down before your awesomeness? If it’s such a great lifestyle, why do PimpC and John want to kill you? And again, with all that money, fame, friends, fast vehicles, big tits, and private army of cybernetic stripper ho’s, you’d think you could easily defend against pretty much any threat. No?

      So I’ll just leave it at this: Jesus is coming back, and when he judges everyone, he’ll deal out some righteousness, just you wait my friend. You’ll see.

      God praise thee.

      Your biggest buddy,


  3. LV Lizard says:


    I honestly don’t know what to say, as that was one of the funniest replies I have read. The goal of this site isn’t to brag about what I have done. It started because I would often write my stories down and share them on a few Internet forums. People were praising the stories and enjoying them so I thought why not make a site to share the entertainment with the world. You, Mike, are entertaining. I welcome you to post as many witty replies as you can come up with, and I thank you for reading what I have to say.

    That being said, the people in my stories would only want to kill me if they knew I was actually sharing stories about them. I did have protection for a little while when one of John’s threats was actually serious and I did run into him at a very bad time. It is a story that will be released soon enough. With that in mind, I often roll with a few guys much bigger than myself because my mouth is a lot bigger then my body. I say and do whatever I want and worry about the outcome; thankfully I only run into a few issues here and there.

    Regarding Jesus, I’m a Jew so I don’t believe he was resurrected in the first place let along coming back to pass judgment on everyone. I know there is a God and I’m sure he doesn’t like me very much. On the day I die by asphyxia from fake boobs, a massive police shoot out, a gang or mob hit, or hitting a wall at 200MPH I’m sure God will invite me into the gates of heaven, have a nice cold beer with me, let me look down on Pam Anderson butt naked, and then remove the cloud from under my feet causing me to fall down into the depths of hell. Lucky for me I think the Devil and I will make good friends!

  4. Matt says:

    I love you Mike. Lizard, you’re a douche.

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