Feb
24

Stephanie and Motivational Juice

Pornstars,Sex,Women | Tuesday February 24 2009 1:58 am | Comments (3) Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I would love to jump right into the topic at hand but I first need to let you guys know about the JewC and the magic it seems to bring to strippers and porn stars. The JewC has an amazing ability to make women fall in love and obey every word I say. Sometimes I don’t even need to take the JewC out for it to have its magic effect and meeting Stephanie was one such example.

It started a little over a year and a half ago when I first met Nick. He invited me over to his house to meet with his roommate, a very well-known porn star in Florida that we will call Stephanie. Nick has also coined her the nickname “Party Favor”, as you can pass her around like she is a party favor. The girl LOVES sex. I don’t know a single man that has met her (besides Nick) that hasn’t had sex with her. Bear in mind that it’s not Nick’s fault that he hasn’t had sex with Stephanie; his girlfriend lives with him as well and is best friends with her. If you have ever met Nick’s girlfriend, you would know that having sex with her best friend would be a quick shortcut to getting your dick cut off and thrown in the woods like John Bobbit.

Stephanie really isn’t my type of girl. It is a well known fact that I have not hooked up with a girl without fake boobs unless I was too drunk to realize the boobs were real. Even then, the boobs would have to be large enough to justify my drunken brain thinking they were fake. That being said, Stephanie does not have fake boobs or large boobs, but Read the rest »


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Feb
20

Three Girls and Viagra

Pornstars,Sex,Women | Friday February 20 2009 9:46 am | Comments (2) Tags: , ,

In typical fashion I come home from a long day of work ready to unwind, read a bit, drink a bit, and get ready to go out. I walk into my house and a naked girl greets me at my front door. I would have taken her right to my downstairs bedroom, but I heard more voices upstairs so I went to investigate. Upon reaching the second floor, I see Nick (a friend of mine in the porn business) snapping photos of another naked girl. At that point, I learned that there was another girl who is no doubt naked on my third floor. I figured I would pick one and go to my room. Little did I know that all three were ready to play.

I quickly came up with what I thought was a marvelous idea…Viagra! Read the rest »


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Go on, make yourself happy - have an affair!

Feb
17

Peter…er uh I mean “Josh Hartnett” Gets Me Laid

Clubs,Sex,Strip Club,Women | Tuesday February 17 2009 9:58 am | Comments (5) Tags: , , ,

Keep in mind I’m drunk still and its 8:48 in the AM so this may not be the greatest told story but it is a great story nonetheless

So my buddy who happens to be one of my biggest clients as well as one of the largest rednecks I have ever met calls me last night wondering what I am doing. Now to understand this guy, he calls me ten times a day / night I call him the President of NASCAR, I have sold him countless cars I have even brokered a hooker to drive from Tampa to North Carolina for an over under bet. I scored 1,000 because I got her to do the deed for only 4,000! That being said my client told me to let him talk to all my girls last night five of them to be exact. Well the phone cut off on me and the girls were upset they did not get to talk to the president of NASCAR.

I hopped on the phone and texted my buddy Peter and asked him if he wanted to play a great joke on some women. Peter was up for the challenge, but we could not figure out who he could say he was. I thought Leo DiCaprio but Peter said Josh Hartnett. I figure he has a crush on Josh and that’s why he picked him but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I changed his name in my phone from Peter to Josh Hartnett and set me phone in-between the pack of women and I went outside. A minute later, the girls are yelling to me that my phone is ringing. I said who is it and one of the girls says “OMG Josh Hartnett, like THE josh Hartnett?” I yelled “Pick it up Pick it up!”

Peter was on his A Game! I guess he had googled Josh Hartnett and knew everything abut the dude because out of all the girls that talked to him, one of them was asking question upon question and Peter had all the right answers. Even so the girl was still 90% that who she was talking to was Josh and 10% that it was total bullshit. Even so, she cornered me in the bathroom Read the rest »


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Go on, make yourself happy - have an affair!

Feb
14

Giving Shoes Back on Valentine’s Day

Long story short, an ex that I had dated for 3 years and followed to college cheated on me with someone I thought was a friend. She had been living with me at the time and came to collect her stuff. She did not collect her shoes and on Valentines Day she called to ask for them back in a VERY rude manor saying she had to wear them on a date with my ex-friend…needless to say I did what any reasonable man would do:

First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

First I got Some Supplies From My Supply Closet...

Then I Chose The Appropriate Tool...

Then I Took Out Some Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Followed By A Few More Tools...

Going To Work With Tool #1

Going To Work With Tool #1

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Making Some Final Adjustments With Tool #2

Inspecting My Handywork

Inspecting My Handiwork

Don’t forget to comment and show me some love on Valentine’s Day!

The Finished Product

The Finished Product


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Feb
12

John’s New Porsche Transforms into a Ferrari

Most of you will remember our man-bag carying, Italian friend John from a previous post; here is another of my wonderful experiences working with him. One day John called me asking for a PORSCHE but with a tiptronic (automatic) transmission I told him only women drive tiptronic Porsches and that he was going to skyrocket his gayness even further by having a tiptronic Porsche in addition to his collection of man-bags. With that combination in place, his level of gayness would reach fruitcake Starbucks mocha vente latte drinking with your pinky held out status. This of course sent him into a rage and he threatened to come down to the dealership and beat my Jew ass so that I would be drinking from a straw for the next year.

John tried to defend his choice of transmission by saying that it was “for his wife”. I then told him to go fuck himself because Read the rest »


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Feb
08

Road Head Practice

When I was 16 I got my license and lost my virginity. To give you an idea of how truly epic me turning 16 actually was, I have to share with you a bit of my background. I grew up in a semi-large yet suburban city (if you can even call Broward county Florida suburban). My high school had around 4,500 kids in it. At 16, I was just about to enter the 9th grade as I was held back once in kindergarten and again when moving to FL from another state. So there I was, the only 16 year old in the 9th grade; the only 9th grader with a mother fucking car. Pussy was flying at me left and right.

That being said, I was de-virginized on the same day I got my car. Kind of Ironic since now at 23 I’m using Bentleys, Ferraris, and Lambos to get laid! Anyway, the story of me losing my virginity is yet another extremely funny and odd tale but I will save that for another day. This story pertains to road head! I was with this wonderful girl named Caroline. She was almost 5′ tall, had a nice set of tits, and an amazingly large ass. To this day she still has an amazing ass and an even better set of fake DD tits with a nipple ring to boot! She was basically my main girl for a while; she loved other girls so it worked out perfectly.

One day she asked if I had ever heard of road head; at that point in my life I had not heard of it, but I heard the word “head” and was very intrigued. When I was told what it entailed I decided that it was a theoretically perfect idea that I probably shouldn’t execute. At that point of my life I had already wrecked two cars that I personally owned and flipped a rented Range Rover end over end trying to go off-roading (yet another wonderful tale I will tell later). Given the circumstances, I figured it would be wise not to get behind the wheel with my cock out and Caroline between my legs trying to get every last ounce of her favorite man juice out of what we at the time called “BOB” (today we call it the JewC).

Depressed that I couldn’t partake in this new concept of Road Head, a light bulb went off in my head, something I recognize today as being a sign of a horrible Idea. I thought what if I could PRACTICE road head. I called Caroline and told her about my concept Read the rest »


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Feb
04

A Lime Green Lambo and A Red Lazer Dot

Several years ago we had this guy who bought two cars a month from our dealership. Two cars per month, every month and sent them right over to the rim shop to get rims and sound systems. Then a month later, he traded the cars in for two other ones. Each time it was cold hard C A S H!

He was a big big Italian fellow who happened to carry a LV or Gucci man-bag around. In the bag was always a huge wad of cash and a gun. Well, I was the only person brave or stupid enough to constantly make fun of him about his man-bag. I made fun of him so much that he grew to like me and ultimately decided to his buy cars from me instead of the other sales guy.

Well, let me just tell you how hard (let’s call him John) John was to deal with. If he wanted a car, you had better be sure you had it, and if you didn’t, you better get it before he shows up or a scream-fest Read the rest »


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Feb
02

Slap A Hoe Tribe — Girls That Like To Be Slapped

Sex,Women | Monday February 2 2009 12:13 am | Comments (5) Tags: , , , ,

One day I was bored out of my mind, a day not unlike today, so I started reading MySpace bulletins. I came across a girl who looked just like my type: stripper highlights, fake tits, and even a few tattoos! I read her bulletin, made a reply, and we sparked up a conversation. I was sad to hear that although her profile said Florida, she had moved to New Jersey a week before. I figured she would be in Florida soon enough so I should continue making conversation. Sure enough, like all my conversations with women, the subject turned to sex quicker then you can actually say the word sex.

So in my talks with this wonderful girl (who we will call Rachel), I learned that she liked to be slapped in the face during sex. Not just regular light slaps, the kind of slaps that you wouldn’t even use if you were a pimp trying to collect money from your hoes. This girl liked it hard and hadn’t found a guy who could give it to her hard enough. That being said, I have never slapped in the face. Not that it wouldn’t be fun, I just would rather not hit a girl in the face and then have her turn around and claim that I beat her up later on down the road. I also honestly never thought of it. Well Rachel now had a new idea in my head, and as I have always said new ideas in my head are more often than not horrible ideas in which I think are absolutely genius until it’s too late.

After maybe a week or two of talking to Rachel, she told me she would be coming to Florida soon so I better practice her slapping fetish. After asking a few girls I could not find anyone to practice on and I was beginning to run out of options until one day a girl, who we will call Daphne, walked up to me in a club. She said you’re Rachel’s friend Lizard, aren’t you. I of course said yes I am and we got to chatting. A drink here, a dance there, and Daphne got all hot and bothered. She asked if I wanted to go back to her place Read the rest »


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