No Glass (or Dogs) By The Pool

Cars,Sex,Women | Friday January 30 2009 9:39 am | Comments (4) Tags: , , , , , ,
For those of you that don’t know, I live on the intercoastal (basically the ocean). I have a dock in my back yard and about 30 steps further, there is a beautiful community pool. I like to take my laptop out there, throw the air card in, and do a little work poolside / oceanside with a Corona. Glass bottles are not allowed at the pool but who cares right? I like to bring my little dog Vinny to the pool as well even though dogs are not supposed to be roaming around the pool. I have never had a problem for a whole year of living here until today, but have had a problem following the rules for most of my life.
Let’s backtrack just a bit: about a week ago, I was walking my dog Vinny and out came this amazingly good looking girl with a little tea cup dog just like mine. Obviously a Jewish girl, which immediately gets my dick hard as I know all Jewish girls are crazy in bed and love to give head. She then tells me she went to the same university I went to and when I said my name she instantly knew who I was because of all the newspaper articles reporting my crazy antics and the many parties I had.That was the first IN! She then asked where I lived and when I pointed to the house with a different exotic car in the driveway everyday she said “Ohhhhhhhh” that was my second IN. She pointed to her house and I mentioned that I had met her boyfriend a while back and it was weird that I had never met her. She was quick to point out that he is a recent EX and at that instant I knew she was mine. I made some small chit chat and mentioned that I was recently broken up with just like her (a total lie) and then invited her into my home for a drink.
A few drinks later and you could tell this girl who we will call Jen (honestly I don’t even remember her name so this isn’t a fake name so much as it is a made-up  name) was in desperate need of some cock. She was depressed about her ex and talking up a storm about the old days of our university. She even mentioned the fact that some of her friends had sex with me and had nothing but good things to say. I didn’t remember the friends but I played along like I did. After a  short stint of drinking and reminiscing, I decided it was time to move in for the kill. The lizard came out and grabbed her by the waist, whispered a few sweet things into her ear, and then gave her a nice soft kiss. That is all it really takes to unleash the sexual beast out of a depressed, sex-starved Jewish girl! Before I knew it, we had covered all three Read the rest »

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LV Lizard and PimpC Party for the First Time

Party Like a Rapper

One of my first pimp clients (before I actually knew pimps existed outside of the movies) was PimpC. Now Pimp C wasn’t the first pimp I saw in my store, but he was the first one that was my client. Let me tell you something, the weed smell on PimpC was the strongest smell you have ever smelled in your life. It was a constant smell; as he treated weed like it was legal. He’d just walked up and down the street puffin on the strongest weed that god let grow! PimpC had lived in Cali but had a nice penthouse in South Beach so PimpC got his weed FedExed to him from Cali. I kid you not, one time he cracked open the lid on a  tightly packaged box while in my office and and the smell stunk up my office for over a week. The shit was that strong!

Anyway, here’s the story about my first night out with PIMPC!
PimpC invited me out to go to very well known, high-end, hard to get into club with him. I of course didn’t know how exactly a pimp rolled and was a massive idiot who brought my girlfriend (at the time) with! Well we pull up and valet at his condo and ride the elevator to the top. Before we even got to the top floor you could start smelling the weed! The second the elevator doors opened, the weed smell and smoke rushed in making both me and my girlfriend cough (yes, that much weed) There was no furniture in the whole condo except for one couch. There were three women sitting on the couch in literally NOTHING; I mean butt naked! I immediately cursed myself for Read the rest »

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Go on, make yourself happy - have an affair!


Welcome to LV Lizard!

Administrative | Tuesday January 27 2009 11:13 am | Comments (1)

Hi there and welcome to LV Lizard. Before you begin reading through my stories of sex, porn stars, pimps, car sales, and of course general drunken debauchery, I would recommend that you take a few minutes to read the two links below to better understand who I am, where I’m coming from and why they call me the LV Lizard.

LV Lizard Biography

Why They Call Me The LV Lizard

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Crackers For Breakfast

Ex-Girlfriend,Religion,Women | Tuesday January 27 2009 2:20 am | Comments (2) Tags: , , ,

I went on vacation to Louisiana with a female friend of mine. I did it for a few reasons; one of which was to party my ass off on Bourbon street and the other was because she thought we were in a relationship and wanted me to meet her parents. She was good in bed so i had no choice. I knew she was a goodie two-shoes when we first got together, but I molded her into a perfect freak in the sheets. She warned me that her family was very religious but I didn’t think anything of it. We partied throughout the weekend and on Sunday morning I was awoken at 7:30am for church (after going to bed at 6). I begged and pleaded for sleep to no avail. I stated out of respect for my own religion (Judaism) that I shouldn’t have to go to church. She insisted that if I didn’t go it would crush her and disrespect her family, so I decided I’d go.

At the time I was into wild, Versace type shirts so I picked the least wild one, a zebra print silk shirt that screamed look at me and a pair of dress pants. I put on a tie that didn’t even come close to matching, but I was told I needed to wear one. I looked ridiculous, I was massively hung over, tired, and starving. The only thing that kept me awake Read the rest »

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